Thankfulness... for His blessing?

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving."

- W. T. Purkiser

The Thanksgiving holiday has been a time for reflection and thanks. We offer thanks mostly for God's blessings to us. It seems we are always thankful for what we perceive as God's blessing's. I often wonder if I only thank God when sickness ends, when a check comes in the mail, when my kids obey, do good in school, or make me happy. Really thats mostly it...I am most thankful when I feel happy, and that is the feeling I have assigned to blessing. That happiness is also is closely linked to how comfortable I am, and how far I away I feel from loneliness, hurt, anger, pain, and despair. The reality is, my thanks is based in how good my flesh feels, and my flesh wants me to believe that only things that feeI good, are blessings from God. I am mostly controlled by my fleshly passions, doing, seeking, believing and saying things that help make my life work. I read books to be a better Christian, better leader, a better friend, husband and father. When I pray, I ask for God blessings, I want the kind that make my life fall into good order and things to work out for my happiness. I am so easily deceived by a formulated Christian walk in which I believe if I do this, this, and this and hold it up to God, then He will give this other thing I want. The reality is that 99% of my life is spent trying to feel good, make life work, and keep up my end of a man made formula to keep God happy with me so I keep on receiving what my flesh says it deserves.

I know what your saying right now, cmon' Tony, you are being to hard, to negative, you are overstating; you are a good guy, who loves God and He loves you. God wants you to be happy... That may all be true, yet in total honesty I know there is a big dark hole that every human feels and we try desperately to fill it with fleshly happiness. For some, we try to fill that hole with really good things, things that appear soul satisfying, yet we often twist them into fleshly pursuits... serving, loving, caring, helping, prayer, reading. For others, we try and fill it with things like sex, food, drugs, working, or whatever makes us feel a little better, little moments of euphoria that we mistake for real soul satisfaction. Either way it is us trying to plug a hole from our side and does little to further ourselves in the very reason God made us.

The issue in all of this is simply that our flesh blinds to what makes our soul truly happy. True happiness, real satisfaction, genuine freedom, total peace can only be had from closeness to God. Our life's pursuits as Christians need to be, first and foremost a drive to be close to God. At all fleshly costs move towards Him, be with Him, desire Him, and live for His presence. Only God satisfies, nothing else we try and do quenches the burning fire of our souls. Nothing else we use to fill the dark hole works, no formula can force God's hand and nothing we do can get us to place to deserve anything.

So with all that being said, you are probably saying; well this is a downer, you sure are a negative guy Tony! I would agree, yet I know that God has been knocking on my door trying to get me to understand this, and it has not come easy for me. I have spent countless hours doing God's work, giving all I have to further His kingdom. Working as hard as I can, as long as I can, to make sure His word gets out. Yet for the most part I have failed. Failed because my heart was not in the right place, because my pursuits usually are not to move closer to God, but rather to feel better about my relationship with Him. While I truly understand God takes even what we do for the wrong reasons and turns it into good, I also know it does little for my soul.

So I write all of these things to simply say that I ask for your prayer, your love, and your understanding as I move towards just being with God, Doing His work to be close to Him, using my gifts to be close to Him, being thankful for His true blessings (which are things that often make us hurt as He refines us) to be close to Him, and listening and responding to His voice to be close to Him. I have been working to identify areas in my life where I have not put God's agenda first and have done things for the wrong reasons. So no more will I addictivly eat to calm the stress, feel good, or fill an aching hole in my heart. No more will I work as hard as I can using my gifts to feel good about myself, build my ego or seek praise. No more will I give love in order to receive love back, not to feel lonely, or get a result. I could go on and on here, but you get the picture! I am praying for Gods strength to move closer to Him, accept His circumstances, and trust Him, then I will truly be able to give thanks for His blessings.

Trust

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have been altered" - Nelson Mandela

Last week I spent three days at my families cabin in Upper Michigan. It was a time of rest and relaxation with no phones, TV, meetings, schedules, or demands. I feel rejuvenated and ready for more of God's work. "The Cabin" is a place in the woods near Perch Lake, basically untouched by time and progress. A place that houses our families history and traditions and place that has changed little in comparison to the world in the 41 years of my life. It is a place I can count on, that is "home" to me no matter the circumstances of the world. I can go there and see life in a clearer way and see myself clearer also. It is a place where the haze of living disappears and I see things from a better perspective. This perspective hit me on Friday night.

As I sat on the shore of the lake on Friday night catching crayfish with my son, I looked up to the sky to see the stars. As I panned to the Big Dipper I thought of looking up at the same big dipper that I looked up at as a child, holding my Grandpa's hand, feeling totally secure. I thought of looking up at the same Big Dipper as a teen, with my cousins and friends laughing, goofing around, and feeling like life could not be any more fun than this, at night, on the shores of the lake. I thought of looking up from this same place and looking at the same stars with my new fiance as a twenty some year old, with an unwritten future in front of us. I thought about sitting on the same shore seeing the same stars with my family, after the funeral services of my brother, grandparents, cousins and so many close to me and feeling the grief of loss. As I looked at my son reaching into the lake from that same shore, the quote above came to mind. I began to see just how I have changed over my own short 41 years. It does become easy to see against the same backdrop. We don't often get that perspective, seeing ourselves at so many stages in the exact same place. I became grateful in that moment, to God, for His blessing. The blessing of the continual love I have known from childhood to now.

You see, that night at the lake as I looked back on countless moments from my own life, I realized that in every memory I had, there where other people with me, who loved me. In each memory I had changed, grown, and matured but what was unchanged was the loving relationships I had in each memory. God has always made sure I have understood how unwavering His love is, in the example of a family who has always loved me. I find it easy to trust God's love for me in large part because I have always been loved. I do not have bad memories of feeling alone, or not accepted, I only know the security of God's love, and the security of God's love through the love of the family He has given me. This security has helped me to trust; trust God and the people He has surrounded me with. In that trust I have grown. I believe that trust and growth go hand in hand. As I trust, I move ahead, in that movement comes God's circumstances to create change in me. It is only in the light of God's unfailing grace that I can grow, change, and become a little bit more like Him.

I have quoted my favorite song many times before, but it is once again appropriate for me sing; Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus... Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Hiking to the edge... and jumping off!

First you jump off the cliff and then you build wings on the way down.

- Ray Bradbury

The long hike which is our summer camp season, ended this past weekend, bringing to a close a very long tour of mission work covering three months and stretching from Minnesota, to Chicago, to Africa and back to NE Wisconsin. On this journey we have seen so many saved, so many lives changed, and so much growth in ourselves and those around us. To say I feel exhausted after this long trek is an understatement... I feel totally drained, burned out, and beat up. Yet in the midst of the exhaustion, I feel totally invigorated, God is closer than ever before. I see things more clearly than ever before, and I am excited to move forward into what God has next. God has broken me many, many times this summer to help me see things His way, and not through my clouded vision, and I am thankful He has. In fact, at this moment I feel like I have hiked through valleys, fields, mountain passes, through searing heat, rained swelled rivers and then to the highest cliffs and then been asked to jump off the edge of that cliff, into the arms of Jesus. There is a perspective only seen from the heights that God can carry us to, and only after we jump can God catch us and raise us to those heights. In my exhausted state, well meaning people, warn me that the pace I keep as I hike, is way too fast. But I know God is waiting to refill and refuel me as He is doing right now in this week spent resting with my family. He is making me ready to begin hiking again to another cliff, in order that I may jump into His loving arms.

I am used to being regularly warned by well meaning hikers to take it easy, to watch out for the coming cliffs and pitfalls. So many of those with warnings are afraid to even get close to the edge, so scared of the edge they never even want to to see where it is. These people often are found hiding in the valley, waiting and warning others to be careful of what may be ahead, or what may happen to those who move to fast or far. There are still others who do hike to the edge but are afraid to look at the vista, and others who hike to the edge to look and walk back away from it in fear in order to be safe and secure. They to, often warn of what dangers the edge can hold. Then there are the millions who take the long journey up to the edge and spend a lifetime camped on the cliff, surveying all of God's possibilities, but never jump. These people find connections with others at the edge, but never experience the connection to God that only the jump brings.

All of the places God takes us to as we climb mountains for Him are important steps. We must mark each peak we stand on and remember them as we continue our walk with Him. He has us jumping over small brooks, running over rickety bridges, climbing hills and walking through dark places in order to learn to trust His guiding. We must prepare ourselves to not be afraid to go where He is taking us next, it may mean hiking in the snow of despair, or clinching to a steep face of rock that brings fear, or skipping through a golden field of wildflowers that bring joy, whatever it is, we must continue to walk with Him. But we must not be so engrossed in the hike that we forget the destination. With each step we are brought closer to Him, yet each step God will eventually lead us to the highest cliffs and then expect us to jump into His arms.

So as I look back on the long hike this summer I am more sure than ever that my job is to help others on the hike, and more importantly to help them make the jump of faith. I am thankful for all those on the same journey, hiking to the peak and especially for all those jumping into the arms of Jesus, that encourage me to do the same. As I fall into Jesus arms I look back up and see so many of you on the cliff looking down...Don't be afraid.. he will catch you, I promise... you know who you are!

LT

Africa: perspective

We have spent two days on the girls school worksite now and much has been accomplished. It is a joy to be serving among those from LHC, The group of men from The Agape Church in Nairobi, the Bethany College interns and the locals hired on as laborers. Men become brothers as they work together, serving Jesus. Everyone has worked hard and the heat has been intense as there is no escape from it aside from a 3 minute cold shower in the evening or a cold Coke Tim uses to keep us moving at a lunch of rice and boiled goat stew!

There is a joy that permeates everything that is happening. The vision was cast for us on day one and has been revisited each day, as to what this project will mean to this area in the future as someday so many will be saved here. Dr Kabachia expressed to us the first night that his passion was to reach those who have never heard the gospel. He said that if someday we go to Mars he would even like to share the gospel to those who live there. While this place is as different as Mars to Wisconsin, what remains the same is when God’s people serve Him there is a loving unity that happens like at no other times. My perspective has changed in that the world has shrunk as I realize that people have vision and joy all over the world. Not based in what they own, where they live or who they know, but based in a heavenly perspective of a God who loves us so.

One of the men that has quickly become a friend to me a man named Maina, he is the foreman of the school construction. He lives outside Nairobi but is working here where we are. We have worked together and have talked, and have found much in commen. In his very broken English we work to communicate and have found we are like souls in that we want to find better ways of doing what we do, growing through the investment of family and friends. I awoke this morning feeling some sadness as I missed my wife and kids, as Maina and I began working he told me about his wife and three kids. He got tearful as he expressed that he could not afford to go home to Nairobi to see them and has been gone for a month leading this job. He wondered if it was worth being away and expressed that he wanted so much more for his children than he has. He does not want them to live just “for their daily bread” as he put it. He wanted them to learn and grow and be free not to worry. My perspective quickly changed about the short week I have been without my family.

He lamented about some of the laborers, one that is 70 years old and has been a carpenter since he was a teenager, but has to continue to work just to eat each day. Maina is 41 years old just like me, he has kids the same age as mine. He has dreams and heartbreaks just like me. He feels sadness for those without a vision for more than survival, he feels many men here will not change and grow in order to have a different life. He told me how he has a passion to break the poverty cycle that traps people into not having a vision for something better. We talked a lot about the differences of building in the US verses here in Kenya. He told me he wants to do things better, but that the culture here does not like that kind of change. He finds it hard to lead, as others want to do things the same as they have always been done. He is a man who understands “the best is yet to come” and lives expecting to experience it.

My perspective has changed as God has introduced me to Maina, a man like myself who dreams big dreams, is thankful for his family and yet has little access to the tools I do to make a way for change to happen. What do I do in my own strength to make change? When do I rely totally on God for His change? Maina has no choice but to wait on God, he has no way of creating change other than that. I know I will come home with renewed strength to hear God and respond to His voice rather than my own. I ask for you to pray for Maina and for his family as they spend time apart while he manages the construction process of this school that will change life for so many. I ask for prayer also as God continues to change my perspective, that I would hear Him despite my own loud voice.

Little Tony

Blessed

Its 3:00 in the morning on Thursday June 10th. We finished packing the totes with our tools, gifts for the missionaries and other things needed for the trip. We await the rest of the teams arrival at 4 AM to load the bus at and leave to Chicago to catch our plane to Washington DC, then to Amsterdam and on to Nairobi. As I sit I sit in the quiet of the church, I am thankful for all that has led up to this trip. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind of activity, getting much done in a little time in order to make this trip happen.

As I sit here I don't feel anxiety for the trip, as I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. What I am feeling though is incredibly blessed, it is overwhelming right now. God has given me more than I deserve, I am rich in knowing his love. I am so grateful for the love that comes from my wife, children, family and friends. I have been given every earthly gift there could be. God has been so good and I know He loves me and made me for a purpose. There are few things more fulfilling than that knowledge.

So I head off around the world more 8,000 miles away from home knowing God cares enough to break my heart once again in order that I might move closer to Him. I have stopped wondering what God will do on this trip and have accepted that it is yet another moment to kill off some of my flesh and be reborn more like Him. I look forward to all He will do and to how this will change us as individuals and as a group.

I ask for your prayer while we are gone, for courage to follow where God leads and to grow as He stretches us. I ask for prayer for my family, at home who will worry about me and work hard in my absence, getting ready for camp. I ask you to follow the link to the Living Hope Missions Blog that will give updates while we are on the trip. I look forward to blogging here when I get back, but with a new outlook on serving God through traveling this path he has taken us on.

Balance

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

Charles Wadsworth

My dad turned 70 years old just a few days ago. It has started me thinking about him, what he means to me and the blessing God has given me in my family. Few men have had the opportunity I have had to stand in ministry, working side by side, doing God's work like we have. It is a gift I have both loved and hated over the years, and I am sure he would concur! God put us together in this unique partnership, as together we are more whole than we ever could be apart. God has made it so clear over the years that our relationship of dependance is key to the survival of the ministry we are called to. My dad has always been a rock, even tempered, centered, and very conservative. I on the other hand am artistic, emotional, extreme, and a dreamer. Somehow we meet in the middle and together are much more able than we are apart. My father is very wise, sometimes dogmatic, and has whole lot of common sense. He has told me since I was a teenager that I might not have any sense whatsoever and that I am hardheaded, which is often true! But again, we meet in the middle of this, and become more whole together than apart. My perspective of my father comes from several places; as his son, as his co-laborer in ministry, as a subordinate and at times as his boss. While this could be confusing, it is not, mainly because he remains consistent in every role. So after knowing my dad for over 40 years of his 70, I have learned that the key to much of life is balance. That may make you laugh if you know me, balance is not something that anyone thinks of when they think of me, yet it is something I think of daily. While I am not always balanced myself, it is in community I can be. God created us to be in community, not alone. He has given us spouses who should balance us, kids, families and friends, all who help us be balanced. My extreme gifts are useless with out the balance of a time and place to use them, something other people bring to the table.

As I ponder relationships, it is imbalance that usually creates the issues, the perception of one person giving more, needing more, or not doing their share. It seems to be true in marriage, working relationships, family relationships and really all relationships. God gives us community, each other, in order to bring balance. Our flesh tells us to not depend on others, to keep control and to push our own agenda, it is only through the Holy Spirit that we can be humbled and graceful enough to desire the balance that we need. It is a daily battle for me, and I am thankful for a father to help me fight this battle, as we live in community here at Camp Daniel.

Knot Hole Vision

Many of you who read this may not know that I am getting prepared for a missions trip to Kenya, Africa. Tim and Chrissy have been taking teams to Africa for the last ten years working with friends from their days at Bethany College of Missions in Minnesota, who are full time missionaries in Kenya. This trip is to build a girls school where there is no school for girls, in an area where there are few Christians. If you have interest in learning more, I would invite you to our blog about the missions we are involved in at

www.lhcmissions.blogspot.com.

We leave June 10th and will be gone over two weeks. If you can help me financially please email me and will send you out a support card. If you will pray for me during this time please email that you would commit to that.

tony@campdaniel.org

I am getting a consistent question...Why do you want to go to Africa? Don't you have enough to do? The answer is yes, I have enough to do, but more importantly the answer is that I believe this trip will help me grow; closer to God, farther from my "American" candy coated life, and as a servant, a minister and leader. I go on this trip not necessarily feeling "called" but I don't particularly believe that has much to do with anything but my main life's pursuit. Biblically, it says to "Go" so I will. It is hard for others from the outside to see how this lines up in the vision God has given us for Camp Daniel, but it does. My Uncle Jerry taught me many years ago that God always cares more about our relationship with Him than the ministry we are in. It is that basis in which much of the ministry has happened at Camp Daniel. As the servants who carry out the ministry grow, so does the ministry grow. So this trip is vital to the future of Camp Daniel and our growth.

Sue Koch taught taught me a simple yet very profound concept some years ago. It goes like this; Life is like watching a baseball game... through a knot hole in a fence. The game is going on and God is seeing it all, yet we can only see the narrow sight line through that hole. At some point in the game we may see a batter hit the ball up in the air, and a fielder catch it. We may have disappointment because he got out. But what we missed was the go ahead run scoring as it was a sacrifice fly. This has been so profound to me that I have based allot of my leadership on the concept, I am only seeing from my point of view, not God's. So a big part of what I have tried to do is enlarge the knot hole in order to have a wider sight line. That is what this missions trip is all about, enlarging the knot hole to see a broader perspective to change me, the ministry I am involved in, and the way I lead, by seeing from a perspective just a little closer to heavens.

I know that we never see the entire game while here on earth, and that will make it hard to do things right. Yet, I also know God is constantly giving us opportunity to see things from His perspective, we must be willing to look. They are simply glimpses, but they are life changing every time they happen. So I go to Africa knowing I will get a glimpse of what God wants me to see, and that is exciting, yet I go humbly and with a little fear as I know that these glimpses cause us to grow and growth can hurt! So I ask for your prayer as I continue to cut at that knot hole to make it bigger.

Doubt

“When in doubt... sing loud” Robert Merrill - Composer

Yesterday I was talking with my friend George about doubt, I have been thinking about it since. Doubt is a constant companion in my Christian walk. I believe it is the ability to overcome doubt that is key to opening ourselves up to all that God has for our lives. For so many doubt steals away the ability to make decisions to move ahead in life. It forces people to live in a bubble of protection and wall building. It keeps people in the pits when the race is already started.

As I read about the heroes of faith in the Bible I see so many people in doubt... Moses, Gideon, and Peter just to name a few. While Thomas gets the nickname, I think all of us battle the same issue. Often when we say we are praying for confirmation of this or that we believe God wants us to do, but really we simply are in doubt. I believe it is rarely a question about what to do for God, but more a question of if we can overcome the little voice inside to do it.

In church yesterday we learned about the inner critic we all have, and how that inhibits us to truly be free to worship and praise God. We learned that the inner critic grows as we do, in children it is not present, but as we grow up it does too! We learned of this because there will be a new class on Sunday Mornings investigating the development of the different sides of our brains. What an incredible idea, a hands on way to overcome our inner critic to help us to be free follow God's voice! Revolutionary! What if the whole church entered into a class like this, and began practicing this freeing concept, the results could change everything!

Growing up, I was blessed to live in a setting much like this class will be. We learned that children that are encouraged in their artistic ability are more naturally able to sound out the inner critic. I was always an artist, encouraged to create and applauded by the results. So while the inner critic or doubt as we call it, still exists in me I believe it is tamed a little through time and practice. It is often merely by practice that we do certain repetitive actions, this can be good or bad. We want to make sure those habits we have are healthy and bring us closer to God. I have many... many bad habits. Actions that are repetitive that hurt me, stunt my growth and bring me away from God. So it becomes even more important to build up the muscle that silences that inner critic. It is through time and use that it gets strong enough to pull the weaker parts of me along. It is now the muscle that dominates my movement that makes me move ahead toward God and away from myself, my doubt, my pity and my shame.

So as I spoke with George yesterday, we concluded it would better to move ahead in fear, denying that voice of doubt that is always there. I think we both can feel better knowing the company we keep...Moses, Gideon, Peter, Thomas, George and Tony too!

My reply to the comment by Anonymous on my post below

I am thankful to those who leave comments on this blog, it is encouraging and at times challenging. Blogging for me is putting a little of me out there on display for others to see. I write two entries for every one I post, as I tend to rant about things that hit me. Anyway, I want to reply to a comment from my last entry here in this new post. While I don't like anonymous replies, I do appreciate the reply in its challenge and as an opportunity to open discussion, it is my hope to inspire discussion through what I write here.

I do not feel my Blog entry "What a day it will be" overstated any point. It is easy for us who are not being threatened and killed to feel it is ok to understate the current climate in which we live and die. Statistics prove that as many as 92% of babies who, through prenatal testing, show that they may be born with down syndrome, will be killed. This is the very definition of genocide. Webster defines genocide as the deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial political, or cultural group. Coined in 1944, geno- from latin = race and -cide from greek = kill "genocide". People with mental disabilities are a culture, being threatened with extinction through mass killings. Socialized medicine has been detrimental to people with disabilities through out history. When Hitlers Germany began their attempt to crush people with disabilities into oblivion in 1939, the mass killing went unnoticed and the cries unheard by the world. The killings of thousands with disabilities continued for several years before what is called the holocaust even began. The worlds attitudes have changed little as this culture of people who have disabilities are still unvalued and threatened by this attitude. My use of the words genocide and crushed into oblivion are not thoughtless words of anger but rather well thought out words of taken from history we seem bent on repeating.

Ignorance is never a pass for bad language and hurting words. The language is constant and consistent in the world today. Just recently as I walked with my brothers at a dept store, one of them was called a retard by a teenage boy as he tried to talk to him. So know that people with disabilities are called this regularly, and this is not the only time this has happened to us.

My intent is not to see government change but rather the church. While I do see there have been changes in the last year for people with disabilities for the good, I believe the bad is out weighing the good. When there is a group of people in bondage to a government it cannot end well unless that group is freed. Therefor I believe the church is last defense of those most defenseless. The church is the only place where the culture of people with disabilities can be valued as God values and stand against those who wish to eliminate them in the ways I have mentioned here. I am not one who ever complains with out action, my life and the life of my family is centered in recognizing the value of people with disabilities and forcing the issue with anyone in our path. It is not a pet issue with us, but a life calling that has spanned generations, life and death. I will not rely on my words to try and get representatives, senators and lobbyists to create change, but on God and His church to value and love those He has created, values and loves. We are in the final days where we are not banging our heads against brick walls but rather where bricks are slammed into the heads of those most defenseless... and we must stand up for them. The change that came in Little Rock in the form of desegregation did not come fast enough for those who where lynched, tortured enslaved and killed in the preceding years of American history and change cannot come fast enough for those fighting for life now.

What a Day It will Be!

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice gets to a fork in the road and she asks the cat. "Which way do I go?" "Where are you going?," asks the cat. "I don't know." "Then it really doesn't make any difference which way you go," replies the cat.

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel recently used the word retarded and the backlash was swift and typical. He apologized to the Special Olympic President, and the movement to end the use of "R" word was hailed by all as the way to bring everyone together in a hands across America moment of solidarity. Almost a year ago we had the duplicate type of reaction which began with President Obama referring to his bad bowling as "Special Olympic". This unfortunate use of the word retarded has allowed me to step back and realize that nothing has changed in the last year for people with mental disabilities. Bad attitudes and beliefs that there is no value in those who have disabilities is what truly is behind ignorant words that people use. In fact things may be a little harder in America today than one year ago for most. Funding has been slashed for many, the health care debate continues to put those with disabilities in precarious positions, and babies who may be born with disabilities continue to be aborted. As politicians use their own ignorance and mistakes as platforms for engineering campaigns for popularity, people with disabilities are being crushed into oblivion.

I recently was blessed to spend much time with disability ministry leaders from across the US while in Florida. To hear about how others are going about reaching the disabled community for Jesus is exciting and inspiring. Yet, I come away feeling like we are walking down a winding path to no where. We seem to have little idea where we want be at the end of the journey. We applaud the good reactions to ignorant statements made by politicians and others who do little to protect the innocent who need protecting. We get excited when "inspirational" people with disabilities accomplish fetes that move our emotions, and we cry tears of pain for the millions who are ignored, marginalized, and killed for having disabilities.

I am unsatisfied with our reactions to these moments. I am angered at our inability for 2000 years to convince the church of the need to complete the body by including those so desperately needed in it. I am devastated at the genocide of people with disabilities here in the US and through out the world. I am ashamed at the lack of love for people Jesus loved so dearly. I am sickened by our acceptance of the crumbs that drop from the tables of the typical church while people starve.

We need to wake up, we are at a point in history where we must fight, we are at a fork in the road and must know where we are going in order to decide which way to turn today. It does matter which way we go because we need to be together on the path in order to get to our appointed destination. We must begin casting vision to the future so we can walk the path in confidence and determination. We must paint a picture so amazing and beautiful that the existing church cannot deny the need to move towards it. We must unify the church in order that the world does not take from us the gift of disability that God has given us. We must be so sure of our calling, we must be willing to risk everything in pursuit of Gods voice. I am ready Lord, I am ready...

So as I begin to ponder what God has in store, I look forward to a future where people with disabilities complete our church bodies and the church finally works as the whole and powerful force that it should be. I look forward to a day when the birth of a baby with Down Syndrome is celebrated as a the rare and precious gift God has bestowed upon our families. I look forward to church services where people with disabilities gifts are on display so God's glory can be revealed to us in ways we never understood before. I look forward to the outpouring of the Holy Spirit which cannot be denied because God has used people without the mental capacity to manipulate or use Gods gift as an agenda to advance themselves. I look forward to walking into the gates of heaven and seeing Paul and Moses and then touching the disabling scars on Jesuses hands and feet as I truly understand for the first time that the last is now first and the poor now rich. What a day that will be!

We are Strong

One of my favorite movies is "Glory". It is the story of one of the first black regiments to fight in the civil war. It is about a group of men, united in their race, yet different in their approaches to dealing with a world that sees them less than human, without value, and as souless pieces of property. The story is about the formation of a new all black regiment, and their road to becoming a unified and strong group of men willing to sacrifice everything, to have freedom for all. They fought in the attack on Fort Wagner which was a near impossible battle for them to win. Yet knowing they would probably die in the process, they led the charge. The movies final scenes are so powerful, showing the charge up the hill to the fort, and the flag bearer leading the charge. Each time the flag bearer fell to gunfire, another soldier would pick up the flag to show everyone they were still moving ahead. As long as the flag was moving, everyone else followed. The Battle was eventually lost, but politically, it was pivotal in the winning of the war. It exposed the need for the strength of a group of people previously held without value until that time. It showed that the battle could not be won without the full army of men needed to fight. People who were kept locked away in the darkness of ignorance, hate, and fear, finally came to front lines to bring light and carry the flag. It was a dark time in American history, we were more divided than we have ever been. Yet through the sacrifice of so many, the oppresive darkness was illuminated, and America was changed.

We started the Able Church in order to begin a process of organizing a regiment. We are a group finding our way, learning to be leaders, servants, and soldiers. We have encountered judgement, disbelief, and even anger at our vision. Much like the fighting 54th infantry of Glory, we are endeavoring to do things most do not believe can be done, and even fewer are willing to try. We want to lead by holding the flag up high. We want give opportunity for our brothers and sisters with disabilities to use the gifts God has given them to illuminate the darkness of the body, to bring completeness to an an incomplete church. The world has put people with disabilities in a place very close to what the black race encountered in the Civil War days. We kill off our unborn because they may have a disability, we devalue millions of people because they don't look, talk, walk, or live up to bar we have set. We rule people out because of what is seen rather than what is unseen. In the process we are losing a part of our own body, a needed, life giving, and important part.

The church is the only place where this can change, where we can embrace and retain a part of "us" so badly needed. It is a dark time in America, it is a dark time in the church, we are as divided as ever, we need strength now more than ever. We need a group that appears weak and unable to lead to show God's strength, bring unity, and lead a charge.

We are thankful to Living Hope Church, who have embraced us and given us a home, a family, and opportunity to be part of the fight. We will fight the battle along side them, carrying the flag so the world can see our God, whom is our only hope, in this dark world. Together we are learning that We are Strong and if we fight the battles God leads us to then we can help win the war.

Little Tony

Happy New Year

Many are the plans of a man's heart but it is the Lords purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

I have been reflecting on the year of 2009, as many have, entering a new year. It was a good year, a hard year, a growing year, a year God pressed on me to takes steps to move closer to him. This is good... yet growth hurts as it stretches and changes everything.

Our camp theme was "I am God's Plan". The camp theme is a big deal to me. I spend allot of time in thought, prayer and preparation before I present it to everyone. The theme over the last year has helped me to come to a place of acceptance of what I believe God is moving me towards in my life. A year ago as a cloudy vision unfolded, I did not like God's purpose for me and was unwilling to accept it, as I already had a plan. So 12 months later and I have grown and now can see with clearer vision how God will unfold His plan for me and others. I am scared as move forward, I have said before, that the man God has shown me down the road, seems like an impossibility for me to be. I see my self doing things I know I cannot do, nor really want to. But, above my fear and self centeredness is my love for God, and knowledge that He can accomplish anything He wishes through us if we just say yes.

So in 2010 I am resolving to be at peace where God is taking me, to act in His strength as I do the work He lays out, and to be relentless in conveying the message He gives me to share.

I share all of that to tell you our theme at Camp Daniel for 2010..."We are Strong" I know it sounds simple, yet it conveys what we need to believe in order to share God's love in way to shake the world. Our campers must know that they are strong, because God has gifted them with weakness, and it is easier for Him to show His power through already weak vessels. We must come to the church with this message; embrace those who seem weak, those the world hates, because they are strong.

I am, on one hand not looking foward to a year of embracing this paradox. It will prove to be hard, to say the least. But on the other hand I look forward to the challenge of leading the charge. I will, in the coming days share more about it. In the meantime I am thankful to God for His patience in dealing with me yet another year as I pursue my own plans and He laughs as He unfolds His purpose. I sure am weak... I mean strong!

LT

A Song for the Shepherds

"Then Spread my thoughts to olden times, to that first of Christmases...

When the shepherds who were watching, heard the music in the fields.

They sat and they marveled, they just could not tell...

whether it were angels, or if the bright stars were singing.

It was the singing of the angels, it was the comfort of our Lord."

Words from a poem by Robert Bridges, 1913

Some years ago on Thanksgiving night, I had been working very late in the office. I opened to door to walk home and my breath was taken away as northern lights lit up the sky. I have seen the northern lights dancing in the sky a hundred times before, but nothing compared to these. Honestly, the colors, brightness, and dancing was unmatched by anything I had ever seen in the sky in my life, even in the skies above Disney World! I stood in awe. As I watched, I was struck by the thought of the Shepherds standing in the fields of David outside of Bethlehem, on that first Christmas night. As the heavenly host of angels appeared, it could only have been one of the most awesome and magnificent sights ever to be seen on earth.

As I watched the show in the sky, my thoughts ran back to camp the previous summer and a particular chapel service that anyone who attended will never forget. God's presence came down and filled the air in way I have never experienced before in my life. All who were there were so blessed to be in God's presence. To this day people who were there still talk about that service. I have thought often about that night, why would God choose to bring down his power upon the campers and counselors as He did in that Camp Chapel?

My thoughts then went back to to the Shepherds that first Christmas, a group of people considered lowest on social totem pole, unwanted in town, poor and very much on the outside of the culture and community of the town of Bethlehem. Rabbi's looked at their undisciplined lifestyles in distain, so they where unwanted in the synagogue. History tells us that they where not even considered credible witnesses in the courts of the time, because of peoples perception of them. So why would God announce the birth of Jesus to this group of people? Why would God reach down His hand to those considered the lowest, on the outside of the community of the day?

The people we serve at Camp Daniel are so often unwanted, pushed out of town, poor, uninvited by most churches and typical culture. They are very much the shepherds of our day. My experience among people with disabilities has been that God's presence is powerful when they gather to worship Him. They often have little doubt that God is with us, because His presence is powerful, beautiful and humbling and they experience it on a regular basis.

I will never forget those northern lights in the sky, it will always remind me to be waiting amongst those with no agenda, no religon, and pure hearts. I will never forget that chapel service, as my life was changed that night in the presence of God. Oh God help us to continue to push forward, so the church can see you in a way they have not. Help us to embrace those on the outside who are blessed in their gift to be in your presence.

...Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Preach What You Practice

"Faith in the hearer is the life of the Word"
Matthew Henry

For unto us was the gospel preached, as well as unto them: but the word preached did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in them that heard it. Hebrews 4:2.

I was with a friend yesterday talking about the ministries I am involved in. He said to me, "Tony, I have always admired that you really practice what you preach". I have heard this before and it bothers me every time I hear it. looking back, I find that the times I have found myself in trouble as a leader has been when my ego inflates enough, that I tell others what to do when I am unwilling to face certain things myself. Many Christians find themselves in trouble as leaders, as missionaries, and as representatives of the Gospel by trying to live up to our own words. It can be near impossible, trying to get others to do what we are not willing to do, and is surely a bad way to lead. So I have tried to live by the standard of preaching what I practice. It sounds nearly the same but it is not.

Preaching what you practice is really a testimony to celebrate what God does through your life. Preaching what you practice is teaching with experience behind it. Preaching what you practice pushes you forward to experience more of God, in order that there is more to preach, preaching what you practice is mixing faith to the Word as it says in Hebrew 4:2. While we always should preach the scripture, it becomes much more effective if we are living out the scripture in faith as we preach it. You see, I cannot do anything unless God does it through me, and if God does it through me and I live it, it then is scripture come alive. It is very effective to preach an alive scripture, alive scripture takes faith to live out. Jesus is scripture come alive, He is the Word and lived all the scripture, and was perfect. While we will never perfect, we must attain to be like Christ, who is the Word. So in the end it is important to preach what we practice, to talk what we walk, to have living faith that is guided by the Word and spoken, yet backed up by that faith God has lived out in us.
LT

Creative Extremists

"The question is not whether we will be extremists but what kind of extremist will we be. Will we be extremists for hate or will we be extremists for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice-or will we be extremists for the cause of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill, three men were crucified for the same crime - the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. So, after all, maybe the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists"

Martin Luther King

I love this quote. In fact I love just about everything I have ever read that Dr. King ever said. Most of His words are applicable to civil rights, disability rights, the church and to the way we live in America in general. But maybe I like these words because I am an extremist, in some ways I have always been. My parents would get mad at me as a kid as it was one way or another for me. My mom would read a poem to me about Oh Tony, part of it went like this: "when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad... he was horrible" . I remember in high school being at party with a bunch of my friends and it getting out of hand and I may have been one of the instigators. One of my friends got really mad as we all where hiding down the block in some neighbors bushes as the cops broke the party up. He said Tony... your problem is you always push everything right to the edge and your not happy until you push one last time and everything goes right over the cliff!

So there it is, I am an extremist, my gift is my curse, as is it is in most people. Some people are accusing and say you are a perfectionist, or you are never satisfied, or you don't know when to quit, but I have never felt like those accusations fit me just right. I just find it easy to push things along and I want the best, especially when it comes to serving Jesus. The part that Dr. King says that is important is; is to be an creative extremist. There are millions of extremist type people out there but pushing the extreme just like someone else; is really just being a follower and has average outcomes. If you can take extremism and add creativity to it I think there is great outcomes to be had. Look back on history, many creative extremist helped change the world; Dr. King, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Walt Disney, Abe Lincoln. These people all took what they believed in to far, where never satisfied, and did not know when to quit. But the world is not the same because of them. I hope someday to go stumbling into heaven, tired and exhausted, having been working hard for the kingdom. I do not want to shed tears of regret as I walk through the gates over things unfinished or untried, or over people I never told about Jesus, but rather walk in with tears of joy that my Jesus will wipe away.

I challenge all who read this to commit to being creative extremists for Jesus. We are to be like Him, so we must be extremists. I am sure that Dr. Kings family often said, Martin, you shouldn't have said that, or done that or sat there or prayed for them. But I believe millions upon millions are thankful for his extreme vision,views and commitment to the cause of equality for all people. Lets be committed, like Jesus himself the ultimate creative extremist.

LT

Kent

"A kind loving character is the best tombstone. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble." Charles Spurgeon

Saturday was cousin Kent's memorial service. I was asked to talk a little about him. As I thought about what to say I kept thinking of the days up at the cabin with Tim, Kent and Jeff with Grandma and Grandpa Bruette. Those long summer days where filled with adventure, fun, freedom, love, work and play. My cousins where like older brothers to me and we have shared a bond that goes beyond time, distance or anything measurable. We like to measure things. We get caught up in numbers. We need results in order to calculate success. Kent's life defied those definitions. He was not comparable to other people, he was... well, just Kent.

I don't look back on anything Kent accomplished in the physical world as his legacy. His legacy is in this room and in Cordova Alaska. It is in loving relationships with people. I guess the closest person that I have known like Kent was Grandpa Bruette, a friend to everyone, kind to everyone, willing to help or love anyone. A walking, living, breathing sermon on love and kindness.

As I sifted through memories of Kent, each memory brought me to a place where I laughed or scratched my head. Most memories of Kent I have are like that that though. He often left you scratching your head but he also always left you laughing with a smile on your face.Three random remembrances I had this week are these. Kent laying in the loft in the log cabin and it being 100 degrees and I was laying on top of my covers in my underwear sweating and Kent was in his jeans and sweatshirt underneath one of grandmas wool blankets snoring a way in rhythm with Grandpa who was down below. I remember crawling around the back yard of the cabin picking night crawlers after a two day rain. It was pitch black and quiet except for the occasional yell and curse as Kent had torn every night crawler in half he tried to pick. I remember being about 10 years old, canoeing down the Wolf creek and Kent getting out at a beaver dam and sinking in the muck up to his armpits. As he finally pulled himself back into the canoe he looked at me a said oofda, that was close, if I drowned there you would have had to row all the way back yourself.I have also thought of many, many stories that involved Tim, Kent, Jeff and I that cannot share here as they would be inappropriate!

My last memory I want to share is from the time Kent spent as a missionary in the disabled community in Minneapolis, with Special Force Family Ministry. I believe this time was pivotal for Kent as he came into a loving relationship with Jesus there, and that was a spring board to his time in Alaska. remember going up to visit and Kent was taking care of Al. Al was a wonderful man in his 70's who had CP and used a wheelchair. Al could do nothing physically for him self. He lived in homes his whole life as he needed full care. Al was brilliantly smart and a preacher at heart but was very hard to understand. Al loved God with all he had and was not shy to tell others, Al's main message in life was to have Joy no matter the circumstance, even in the hardest darkest and most painful times that life could bring. In fact the last conversation I had with kent on the phone we talked about Al. Kent expressed to me that Al had allots to do with Kent's acceptance of Jesus into his life. That day, Kent's care for Al was lacking in my mind, Al looked disheveled and messy, a little like Kent himself. I got mad and went in Al's room to tell him not to put up with it. Al got quiet and tearful, and I knew I was in for a scolding. He began to tell me not to be so judgmental, while Kent's care for him was not up to my standard; it was actually above Kent's standard. Al said that Kent took care of him even better than he took care of himself, and that Kent was the most loving a caregiver he ever had.

That was Kent to me, loving, caring, willing to be down in a hole, washing the feet of an old man in a wheelchair. Kent was a man who's standards for love and kindness where more in line with heavens than mine will ever be. Kent, we will miss you. The world is a little less loving with out you here.

LT

Door Openers and Door Keepers

"We must care enough to not throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.” Arthur Baer

Do you remember the old, epic movie about Noah? Noah had built the ark, being laughed at and taunted all along the way. But when the rains came and and God shut the great door, people began to run to the ark and pound on the walls to get in, crying as they realized they needed to be aboard that ark. As a child that scene was scary to me, but also showed me the importance of the church, being an lifeboat to drowning people, something I have never forgot.

Our church has an incredible ministry called the doorkeepers. Doorkeepers greet people as they enter church on Sundays, get to know the new families, and introduce new people to others in the church and pray with them. It is a big responsibility to help new people adjust and become part of the church family on Sunday mornings and also build relationships with them outside of the church doors throughout the week. Their job is really to be lifeline, pulling people into the safety of the church. I believe it is among the most important ministries within the church. Our church is filled with loving people who find relationship to be very important, yet it takes work to be in those loving relationships. This ministry creates the atmosphere to be able to build these type of relationships. It is, in the end, a way to see people saved and to grow, both new people entering the church for the first time and also for those who do the doorkeeper work, to be stretched as they continually encounter new people, which is scary for many people to do.

I attended a doorkeeper meeting last week, trying to learn more, to be able to bring this needed ministry to other parts of our church I am involved in. As I listened, I began to think about The Noah movie and that scene. The picture I had was of one of Noah's sons helping other family members as the ran onto the ark. This is what the doorkeepers do, help others board the ark. I began to think of my own place in our church family, while I am not officially a doorkeeper I must have their attitude of building relationships at all times. I know I must not function independently of this or any ministry in the church. We must all depend on each others strengths and weaknesses to grow. But if I am not a doorkeeper than what am I? I guess I find myself being more of a dooropener than a doorkeeper. Someone who gets out in front and creates new doors for people to enter and others to keep. I believe churches often get focused on the front doors of the church and forget that people are banging on the walls all around the Church desperate to get in, we just need to make doors for them to come in and have people there to keep those doors and help them in. Many times our attitude is negative, believing we need to find ways just to get people near the ark, but the reality is that people are drowning and are desperately looking for loving relationships which reflect the love of Jesus so they can be saved. If we can create doors, keep the doors, and train new keepers and openers, our church family will grow, each of us more like Jesus, focused on saving some more.

It says in John 9, that our time is limited,the day is coming when we will not be able to save any more, when God will shut the door on the ark. Lets get as many aboard as we can before that day, because its raining now, and people are pounding on our walls. Are we there, ready to throw them a rope and pull them in?

LT

Kathy Stank, is singing with Jesus

As I prepared to leave for the cabin and a weeks respite with Karol and the kids this morning, we received a phone call. Our very first camper, our friend , our sister; Kathy Stank died yesterday. Kathy had a massive heart attack and died immediately in her room at the nursing home she lived in.

Kathy had impacted so many lives over the last 14 years at Camp Daniel. She above all people I know, was ready to go, she loved Jesus with all her heart. Kathy's father died just 2 weeks ago, and she was unable to come to camp that week. Instead we where able to arrange for her to be at camp last week. Kathy had a wonderful week impacting her counselor, other campers and counselors and all of our staff yet again. Kathy's family is suffering at these two significant losses in such a short time, please pray for them.

Kathy closed our last chapel on Friday night by once again singing the old hymn "Crown of Thorns" which she has sang every year since she began coming to camp in 1997. I will write another entry here later tonight describing her impact on our ministry. We have all been blessed by her love.

The Visitation is at the Rhoades/Charpata Funeral home Thursday afternoon at 1:30 PM with the funeral following at 2:30. Her family has asked me to do her funeral, of which I could not be more proud to do. I ask for your prayer and for you to join us singing the hymns she blessed us by singing each year at camp on Thursday.

LT

Filled...With Joy

- - the joy of the Lord will make you strong." Nehemiah 8:10b

Each week we press on in the summer, the exhaustion mounts. 6 weeks of hard labor getting the lakefront ready for work groups, shoveling, nailing, moving earth, pouring concrete. Immediately into camps 1 and 2 with only one day off between. Then a week off with 38 youth and workers on the grounds , in our house, and working hard. Then back at camp, we had a day off yesterday afternoon and this morning we began to get ready and counselors and workers here again, on Saturday, we finally can stop for while as Karol, the kids and I head off to our cabin for a week of rest!

I don't tell you this to elicit pity or praise. I tell you this as a back drop to understand what I am going to say. God has changed me, moved me, grown me, and stretched more in the last 11 weeks than he has in the previous 41 weeks since this time last year. Each summer God has done the same in my life, each time I focus on Him, His work, His word, and His direction, He changes my heart. The rest of the year change happens but much less dramatically. Why is that? Is it me, am I different in those times? Does it depend on what I am doing? Am I so tired that cannot resist? I think all of those things are part of it. but I believe the reason more than any is that I am becoming weaker as the days pass by. My defense or my flesh is down, My mind is a bit slower, and my spirit is as open as ever to God's leading, my heart is connected directly to those we are ministering with and to. I know the Bible says that when we are weak He is strong, but rarely do I find myself in the place of real weakness.

I remember when Dan was so weak and sick in his last weeks of life. God shown through him in way we never saw before. As he became weaker and weaker, God's power was more evident in him. Lives where changed in those last weeks, mine included. Jesus, in the weakest position possible as a human; stripped, hanging on the cross, beaten and bloody, changed everything for humankind.

I am told so often from well meaning friends to slow down, pace myself, and don't burn out. I have written before that I want to burn out for Jesus, because I do have faith He will restore my strength. As I empty some of the me, He can fill with some of Him. I am not saying that one should be busy for Jesus, I am saying we should be in His will, doing His work, as hard as we can, as long as we can, as much as we can. That means in every phase of our lives; family, ministry, work, play, rest, whatever. He must be the center in all of those things, one is not separate from the other, it is all Gods work. I know He will work in us, changing us, loving us, helping us, so we can help others change, love, and work for Him. So I write this exhausted, hurting, my heart bleeding, my mind spinning, yet I am filled with joy; joy that God has filled me up with!

"The best is yet to come" -- Uncle Jerry

“Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do, to achieve what they need to achieve.” --Tom Landry

We are leaving to begin our last 2 weeks of camp this afternoon. I am done with preparation, packing, creating, thinking, and all things necessary to put on a camp. In fact we have had such great help this year that I find my self sitting down just 2 hours before we will leave and waiting to go. God has blessed us over the last several years with new staff, coming on board to missionaries with Camp Daniel.

I have been learning to be a different kind of leader this year, I find in order to be more effective I must give away many things I have done in the past. It has been hard for me, I am hands on, I like to do and fix. It is very necessary to step away from certain things and allow others to do them. I like to lead by example, to experience things I ask others to do. I have had to change my concept on leading and try to define more precisely what I should be doing as leader.

I have been blessed over the last 2 years to part of Living Hope Church. There I have learned much on being a healthy leader in an healthy environment. My Uncle Jerry who is Pastor there, has invested much in me, and my ministry. He has shown me how to lead people instead of leading a ministry. His loving concern for each person that walks in the doors of the church has impacted me greatly, first and foremost he wants to see people saved, and then he works to usher them into becoming God's disciples. He often says, "the best is yet to come", and I wonder if many people in the church really understand what that can mean. For all of us it means change, growth, more of jesus , less of us.

It has taken time for me to adjust to where God is leading. I fight change and growth in myself hard, I have gone through many definitions of what I believe God wants me to be. I have mistepped along the way, but God is gracious and patient in remaking me into what He wants. I know that this refining process will last my lifetime and not until I get to heaven will it make sense. What I have come to terms with though is that it matters little what or where I am doing what I do, all that matters is that I am growing and helping others to grow. I love the quote above, it is a job description for me. I was put on this earth to help others move towards Jesus, pushing , shoving, hugging, encouraging, crying and laughing, what ever it takes. I know we all need to grow and we all need to change and God has provided many tools for that to happen. I know God will use whatever means necessary to get us moving. So this is what I do; stretch my self and stretch others so we can all be a little more like Jesus. That is my calling, this is my mission. I know to be relentless in this task, that is what I believe makes a leader; willingness to grow, change, and become more like Christ. We leave for camp in an hour, for two weeks of change, growth and becoming more like Jesus. I must lead this, so I must grow and change, so I ask for your prayer to be relentless in this pursuit, no matter how hard the change is.