Blessing: The place for grace, to learn to trust!

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” 

            ― Elizabeth Gilbert

   20 years ago, at a camp for people with disabilities in northern Minnesota, my camper David, brought me to meet God in a new way, and showed me my need for more of Him and less of me. That night in the camp chapel, alone with David and God, my life was changed forever. It was the beginning of the journey of understanding just what it means to have more of God and less of me, this gift is His Blessing. 

   To learn to be accepting of Gods provision to teach me to be humble and to depend on His way of molding and shaping me, has been a fight to say the least. One of the hardest fought lessons has been to trust. Trusting God for real, is hard, trusting people feels almost impossible at times, and trusting my self has been practically impossible for most of my life. But even with the struggle, God has been faithful to drag me through, sometimes kicking and screaming. One thing that has helped has been that God poured out a blessing on me while I stood in His presence with David. He showed me things I needed to know would come, in order to keep me moving forward. Things He knew would keep me alert to His purpose , and help me relentlessly move towards His voice, though most of the time I cannot see at all.

   I believe with all of my heart that God has destined each of us with a purpose. He has given us gifts, strengths and weaknesses, that He uses to help us move towards Him and His plans for our lives. Gods blessings to us are typically to help us to have the strength and courage to carry out His purpose in our lives. Over the last few years God has been teaching me much about His blessing. He has taken me down paths I would never journey down on my own, he has shown me mountain peaks that have proven His leading and valleys that have allowed me to prove that I would be led. 20 years ago God showed me things He wanted me to see, and it was a blessing, because it pointed me in the direction He wanted me to go, and showed me I could not go on the journey alone. Through the years He has consistently reminded me He has many more blessings ahead and that He would prepare me for those. 

   So I have thought, prayed and studied blessing. I have asked for blessings, I have even grabbed on to Him and demanded blessing like Jacob did. In the end God seemed to laugh and say, "OK , you want these blessings, than you need to be prepared for them". So, as I have moved through life I have encountered many things that have seemed to be negative, but proved to be positive by their end. Last week many of you walked through some scary days with us, as Karol's health came into question. For many days it seemed that cancer may be looming and that we may be in for a long battle. In the end God showed us that He loved us and had lined up hundreds of His people to love us to. In the process I was once again brought to my knees, not willingly, as in bowing to pray to the king, but doubled over in fear and pain, unable to stand on my own. Eventually, through His mercy, I was able to be on my knees in prayer, asking for direction, asking for courage, and in thanks for His outpouring of love and the plain sight of it. 

   As this period of fear has come to an end, He reminded me once again, that he was providing the perspective needed for the coming journey...from my knees! He is preparing me again for His blessing. He reminded me that in His old testament, a blessing was received while on ones knees. One of the Hebrew roots for the word blessing is literally, knee. Our knees are actually one of weakest point in our bodies, as I found out firsthand only months ago as the doctor repaired the tendon in my knee that was torn off and I was unable to stand or walk. You have heard the term "weak in the knees" referring to being overcome with emotion, shook, feeling like you could fall down to your knees. I felt like this many times in the last week as the prospect of a major health issues threatened Karol. So I move ahead from this time looking back with thanks for the answer to hundreds of prayers Karol received.  God has showed us again He has a purpose in everything, He has brought us to our knees to receive that blessing, a blessing that is the very gift of Hs power to do what is impossible to us, but possible because of Him. He has shown His love to us through so many of His people, that is empowerment, that is His plan, that is His blessing, love is ultimate weapon in the war on sin, against flesh and the devil himself.

   God I thank you for the painful situations that knock us to our knees and for being right there to scoop  us up into your arms from that humble place. I am sorry for my lack of trust in you and your purpose. I again ask for your grace, to trust you more.

The Best Christmas Gift I ever Received

    One of my closest friends asked me last week about the best Christmas gift I had ever received. I have thought much about this over the last week. I have lived a blessed life and given far more than I deserve and far more than anyone needs. Christmas in my family has always been a giant part of our year. We all tend to decorate early and a lot, we have multiple Christmas gift exchanges with family and friends. This year is no different with us having them on December 23, 24, 25, 26 and the 27! I have been given gifts  on Christmas day that are far better than I would even think to ask for.  So choosing a best gift seemed like it would be impossible. Yet, it is not. One gift given to me by my mother stands out among all I have ever been given. 

    When I was 16 my mom took me downtown to Chicago. As a family we went pretty much every year during the holidays. We looked at the decorated windows at Marshall Fields and Carson's, ate Garrett's popcorn and saw the giant tree in Daily Plaza. But this year was different, mom took me to see relative I had not met before, His name was Carl. I knew of him because my grandma had always referred to him as "the bum" whom she had prayed for regularly. He was my grandmothers cousin, and spent the better part of his life drinking and homeless, even losing his legs due to his problem. Carl had rejected his family, and now at Christmas in 1985, Carl was living in a horrible nursing home, all alone in Chicago. The home Carl lived in was a dirty, old, falling apart building what was was once a city  hotel, turned into a nursing home. As we walked in lobby I will never forget the smell or sights of that place. Carl's room was up several flights of stairs at the very end of a long hallway. When we entered his room he peered up from his wheelchair at us, with confused look. My mom introduced us, and Carl began to cry. We gave him some gifts, and mom made some small talk before we left. Carl wept as we left, something I think of so often. 

    The next Christmas my mom took me to see Carl again and this time my new girlfriend Karol came too. It was hard to go back, as I had then heard Carl's sad story and knew his regrets of life. I had purchased him a gift myself this time, a Chicago Bears sweater, and my mom had brought him some bags of candy. The home where he lived seemed even worse than the year before, almost like something from a movie. As we entered Carl's room, he lit up. We gave him gifts and he told us how the people that worked there would steal the gifts if he left them out so he put them under his bed covers. Again as we left, he cried. That evening as I lay in my own bed I wept. The pitiful condition of Carl's life was heartbreaking. His life's decisions and sickness had destroyed him, causing him to lose any loving relationships he may have had. I remembered the story my grandma told about how Carl's brother Tom had to look for him after their mother had died and  found him passed out, laying in the street. Carl hated for us to leave because he had no other visitors at Christmas or at all during the year. Carl's life was lonely and filled with regret. That night my life was changed forever because of those visits. My selfish, self absorbed 17 year old existence had not counted on being touched in that way. It caused me much pain and even some depression over the next years. While I had no idea at the time, it was the beginning of God implanting a passion for those who exist like Carl. Those who are rejected, lonely, regretful and suffering. I don't know if my mom intended to have a visit with Carl change me or not. I do know that my mom has much the same passion I do, for those like Carl. She is a woman filled with compassion and love, and has always put her faith into action. These few years of visiting Carl are part of the foundation of my life and relationship with God. I know how to serve Him because my my mom showed me, I know how to love the unlovable because my mom did. I know she learned this from her own mother, who always took in people in need. This gift is one I cannot repay, one that I can only pray will help my own children find their path to Gods purpose for them.  It is by far the greatest Christmas gift I have ever received. I have hope that someday I will walk through the gates of heaven and be greeted by Carl, whose life was changed by Gods love, shown in the form of my mother. Thank you Mom for your love for me, and more importantly your love for those people forgotten by the world, who God loves so dearly. Merry Christmas!

Trust

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have been altered" - Nelson Mandela

Last week I spent three days at my families cabin in Upper Michigan. It was a time of rest and relaxation with no phones, TV, meetings, schedules, or demands. I feel rejuvenated and ready for more of God's work. "The Cabin" is a place in the woods near Perch Lake, basically untouched by time and progress. A place that houses our families history and traditions and place that has changed little in comparison to the world in the 41 years of my life. It is a place I can count on, that is "home" to me no matter the circumstances of the world. I can go there and see life in a clearer way and see myself clearer also. It is a place where the haze of living disappears and I see things from a better perspective. This perspective hit me on Friday night.

As I sat on the shore of the lake on Friday night catching crayfish with my son, I looked up to the sky to see the stars. As I panned to the Big Dipper I thought of looking up at the same big dipper that I looked up at as a child, holding my Grandpa's hand, feeling totally secure. I thought of looking up at the same Big Dipper as a teen, with my cousins and friends laughing, goofing around, and feeling like life could not be any more fun than this, at night, on the shores of the lake. I thought of looking up from this same place and looking at the same stars with my new fiance as a twenty some year old, with an unwritten future in front of us. I thought about sitting on the same shore seeing the same stars with my family, after the funeral services of my brother, grandparents, cousins and so many close to me and feeling the grief of loss. As I looked at my son reaching into the lake from that same shore, the quote above came to mind. I began to see just how I have changed over my own short 41 years. It does become easy to see against the same backdrop. We don't often get that perspective, seeing ourselves at so many stages in the exact same place. I became grateful in that moment, to God, for His blessing. The blessing of the continual love I have known from childhood to now.

You see, that night at the lake as I looked back on countless moments from my own life, I realized that in every memory I had, there where other people with me, who loved me. In each memory I had changed, grown, and matured but what was unchanged was the loving relationships I had in each memory. God has always made sure I have understood how unwavering His love is, in the example of a family who has always loved me. I find it easy to trust God's love for me in large part because I have always been loved. I do not have bad memories of feeling alone, or not accepted, I only know the security of God's love, and the security of God's love through the love of the family He has given me. This security has helped me to trust; trust God and the people He has surrounded me with. In that trust I have grown. I believe that trust and growth go hand in hand. As I trust, I move ahead, in that movement comes God's circumstances to create change in me. It is only in the light of God's unfailing grace that I can grow, change, and become a little bit more like Him.

I have quoted my favorite song many times before, but it is once again appropriate for me sing; Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus... Oh for grace to trust Him more.