Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Opposing Forces in a war at 3:07 AM

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility... there really are so few of us left."
—Oscar Levan

Thursday, 2:14 AM; I lay awake tonight in turmoil... another night of wrestling with my mind. My heart aches with my desires to be like Jesus, my mind counters with the reality of my choices that seam so counter to the desires of my heart. I know what my heart desires but my mind is weak and usually gives in. I try to pray, for help, for others, in thanks, in confession... but my mind wanders faster than I can type those words. So the bell rings and thus begin the wrestling match...
-My heart aches because it wants to feel presence of God so badly. My mind says it wants a sandwich so I can stop feeling anything.
-My heart wants to set aside all the distractions from hearing, seeing, feeling and loving God. My mind wanders as I pray this, thinking about projects, football, how to raise money to finish the camp.
-My heart wants to destroy my ego so I am so humble I can live in thanks to my God who loves me no matter what I do for Him or others, so I try to pray in thanksgiving. My mind discusses with me how I am so talented that I could come up with new and innovative ways to get people to come to church, but it is not worth how hard it is to get others on board.
-My heart proposes to depend on God to the point I would live with nothing in order to be able to rely on Him. My mind is congratulating itself for having so much common sense to never do something so stupid.
-My heart wants others to know God's love so badly that I would sacrifice anything to show them that love. But my mind is excited that deadliest catch will be starting soon and so do football playoffs and it thinks that having a new tv would make it even more fun to watch it all.
-My heart wants to be willing to die for my God because I so strongly believe that being in heaven with Him outweighs anything this life has offer. My mind counters with how stupid those thoughts are because if I was dead it would just drag many others down and little could get accomplished without me.
-My heart strives to believe in heaven and hell so strongly that I lay awake in worry about lost souls. Instead I lay awake worrying I am losing my mind.
-My heart desires to be in community with other Christians so badly that I want to forsake my messed up American values that blind me to what is truly important in this life. My mind wants to demand to be paid for all the work I do for others.
-My heart demands truth so strongly that I would take its consequence before my ego, my power, my self love and my status among other men. My mind likes to speak truth in doses that I can control and prove how good I am.
-My heart wants to be used so badly by God that I stop doing anything on my own to promote myself or my agenda. My mind reminds my heart it sets agenda and that agenda is all about me.
-My heart want to so reflect His love that I strip myself of anything that stands in the way of others seeing His reflection. My mind says that if I am not commended for all I do that I will stop doing it and then everyone will know just how valuable I am.
-My heart wants to be so obedient to Gods words that I would pick up my cross and follow Him even to death. My mind reminds my heart and my body that I am to fat to pick up anything, and that is so depressing I should get out of bed and make a sandwich. I get a drink, go to the bathroom and pick up my computer to blog instead.
- My mind says it is now 3:07 and I am tired so stop blogging and go to sleep.

So now you know the creative process that occurs in me. My mind wins these fights more often than not.

-My heart says to post this so others might recognize the war between the heart and mind is real, and that they are not alone in the battle. My mind says exposing this kind of thing can make me seem unspiritual and I can lose peoples confidence in my leadership, so delete it.

-Tonight my heart wins one, my mind says good job heart... you are really are great, lets make a sandwich to celebrate!


  1. Thanks for posting this Tony
    it really hit home I have been in that war many nights
    and thought I was losing it. You are a awesome servant!

  2. And here I thought I was the only one whose mind wandered to deadliest catch during moments of devotion...sheeesh.
    I wrote a poem many years ago. This post reminds me of it even now. One of the lines goes like this;

    "If I could get rid of all of my sin
    and live like I know I should be,
    Like footprints in dreams along the shore,
    it wouldn't be I, but we."

    So true, right?
    But the absolute beauty of this post is your honest evaluation of your humanness...your realization of its impact on your heart's desire, and the courage you show in sharing it.
    Wonderfully spoken, friend.

  3. I keep reading this. Are you not writing a new post so I will keep on reading this over and over??? WE WRESTLE. We wrestle ourselves, we wrestle others, the government, teachers, bosses, spouses, mothers, mother-in-laws. I think most of the time its a selfish fight. "Me first!!!" But underneath it all, I wrestle to grasp THE TRUTH. God wounds us, like He did Jacob, then touches us in that wounded place to remind us, to remind me all the striving, all the wrestling is about getting to bottom of things. And that He's always waiting for me down there, too, because He is truth. I can do nothing. He doesn't love me because I can or can't. Man, He just loves me, and that is the TRUTH. And that, doesn't compute... It's illogical. But its still the TRUTH!!! He loves me and just wants me to love Him, do with Him what friends do. He wants us to do WITH Him. WITH HIM. My mind knows my reality, and scrutinizes the soup out of it. But my heart knows that Jesus knows my reality, and calls me up into His... I'm using this post in a sermon... You'll remain sort of anonymous. Most people don't know you at my church, anyways, which we need to remedy:) I love you, man. Thanks for not worrying about spiritual appearances.

  4. This has been here this long because I have continued in this battle and have had little else to communicate. The only change has been different night, different fight! It is only today I have had anything in my heart to write. I think God has wounded me in this process, and I am so thankful for it! As You say Aubrey; to remind us of the truth of His unbelievable love for utterly hopeless men like us!