The last three months have been a time of incredible struggle for me. God has pressed on me in a way I have never before felt. My flesh is screaming, my ego is smarting, my mind is racing. I feel as though I am in the midst of an incredible battle, a war where my flesh is pitted against my soul. I know what I need... to be focused on Jesus. I know what God wants... for me to climb into His loving arms and be close to Him. This may seem as easy as just deciding to do it, yet it is by far the most daunting process of my 42 years. My entry below describes a little of my fight. Starting when I was in Africa and then through the summer of camps I sensed God's presence, differently than ever before, He was asking me for more. It was this question of trust and control that was hounding me. I fight allot with wanting to control my own destiny. My flesh is fighting for all it is worth, not wanting to let go. When I say let go, I mean totally letting go, a free fall. It is a scary proposition, while I grasp onto things from our broken world knowing they cannot fully bring joy, happiness, or contentment, they still bring momentary comfort, the illusion of control, and faux joy.
One of my big problems is my dependance on food to fill moments of pain, boredom, loneliness, stress, or any other feeling I have. So instead of finding God in those moments, Instead of receiving His love and comfort, I have developed "ways" of soothing myself, which is just another way of saying "tricking my mind" for a moments relief. This process, while not always food based, is one human kind has in common. Sin has divided us from God, and we now have our flesh to deal with. Our minds tell us the very opposite of what our souls need. Our minds will even use good things, spiritual things, to fill our aching hearts. I love the movie "The Matrix". Not for the special effects or action, but for the way it describes the battle we have with our minds. The battle we are pitted against with our flesh. Here is conversation from the movie between Neo and Morpheus that describes exactly what I have felt through my life with little understanding of what I was feeling:
Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here... You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you want to know what it is?
It is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes.