Bantum Blogatorium by Little Tony

The 9-16 Dance

2011-09-16T12:33:00.000-05:00

"He whose head is in heaven need not fear to put his feet into the grave." Mathew Henry

When 9-11 comes, my family is glued to the TV. We watch all the shows about the day, the aftermath, and the stories of the families that have happened since that day. When 9-16 comes we have a sense of what those families feel. You see on 9-16, our family remembers the day Daniel died. While I understand that our loss was not equivalent to those loses on 9-11, because we had prepared, said our goodbyes and thought about what 9-17 may be like, those families did not. Yet what I think we have in common is that there has been a response to the loss. From the rubble and destruction that caused death, life eventually springs forth. From the pain and sadness, hope and vision come forth. From what seemed bad, good has come. First we mourned, now we dance!

Kermit the Frog speaks of the response to death of his son to his gathered family as Bob Crachit, in the Muppets Christmas Carol. "Life is made up of a series of meetings and partings and our family has experienced parting with the death of Tiny Tim. We are reminded to be thankful for our family, each member precious, each unique, and perhaps, appreciating our family becomes easier in the wake of a parting, a loss." Kermit's family then responds quietly, in acknowledgment of this moment of loss, and in love and appreciation for each other. Every year as I watch that scene from the movie, I am moved, as I so know the scene from my own life. That moment after one has parted, when it is just those gathered who feel the love and appreciation for those who are close and the pain of the loss. I have been blessed to experience it many times since.

As I spoke to my mom this morning, little was said, but we acknowledged how long it has been since Dans has gone, and spoke of the loss of others in the family since. The series of meetings and partings continue, we know we shall be together again in heaven so the sense of loss is lessened. We feel no fear, there are no unanswered questions, death has no grip on us, it is as it says in Romans 8. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time to mourn and a time to dance, so we have mourned and some days we still mourn, but now we mostly dance. I believe the dance is the eventual good response to death, to loss.

Pastor Jim Erickson was known to says regularly that we can get bitter or get better. I hope our response as a family has been to get better, to dance, to create more family. Our immediate family has grown, the camps are built on creating family, the camp staff family continues to grow, the church family has grown. Nothing is more important than building Gods family, it is an easy formula really. Knowing that God's family has grown out of the rubble of Dan's death makes it easier too for me. I know Dan would be pleased if he was here, I know doing Gods work was most important to him in his very short life.

So I close this entry by challenging all who read it to build God's family. Be wary of getting caught up in mourning, in pain, in knowledge, in religion, in thought, in anything that sidetracks you from His family. Nothing is more important, as there is nothing God desires more than growth in His family. In the wake of His sons death, I think it is what makes God dance!

Clinging to God

2011-04-13T11:54:00.003-05:00

"When Christ calls a man, He bids him to come and die" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Yesterday some called me "Missionary Piantine", Sunday I was called "Pastor Tony", today I was introduced to a group as "Little Tony", and my kids call me "Dad". These are titles, something I have always felt uncomfortable with because they often can be misused by people. Titles do not make you into something you are not, they confirm what you are in Christ and can be used to remind you of what God wants you to be. Ministry is hard, in that if you are doing it correctly, you really are no longer you, you become what God wants.

I have always been drawn to the story of Jacob and when he wrestled with the Angel in Genesis 32. In the end, God changed his name, to be in line with God's plan. Jacob spent much of his time acting like Jacob, a man who was messed up and made problems. God needed him to set his mind on being what He needed him to be, which was Israel. God does the same in us, giving us names to help set our minds on who we are to be in Him. This story starts with Jacob spending a night wrestling with an angel, at some point near the morning Jacob grabbed on and would not let go. He clinged to the angel and asked for blessing.

I get Jacob, I am a fighter, I mess up, I deceive, I can get caught up in earthly problems and with people rather than by getting caught by God. I fight God way to much. I know that when I stop fighting and just cling to Him, that is when He works in me. When Jacob was clinging on, asking for blessing, he could no longer fight. At that point God disabled him, he hurt his hip. Jacob was weakened, and at that point was ready to be strong. God then blessed him.

So often our motives are to feel good, to take what God wants and twist it into something we can use. I think we all would like to have a blessing, but usually to be something that makes us feel good or to be strong. While the blessing my mind wants makes me feel good or strong, it pushes me away from God, not needing Him. If I would just learn to stay clung to Him and allow Him to weaken me so He can bless me, I could be so much more effective. His blessing can feel good or it can hurt, it has little to do with me here and now. It has to do with His eternal plan, a plan that takes me to heaven where I will feel good forever! I know I am like Jacob, I attempt to deceive and I hurt others and myself. I so desire to just cling to God and let Him have His way.

Jacobs name change makes much sense to me, The interpretations as to the meanings of the names are many, yet it seems that Jacob simply was a fleshly man that held onto men and their ways but became Israel who held onto God and His ways. I want to accept the name God has given me, I want to cling to God and experience His blessing to help me be what He wants. Weaken me God, so I can be strong to accept your blessing.

Dream

2011-04-01T22:32:00.007-05:00

"Don't be pushed by your problems be led by your dreams" -Ancient saying

Have you ever dreamed dreams so big that their fruition seem so far away that you may never see them? I do, but I am a dreamer and am used to seeing many things from the sky of unlimited thought and possibilities that a dream frees our creative minds to think from. So I have many dreams, some small, but many that are big. My simple mind can sometimes question whether it is sane to dream like I do, yet God has given me a creative brain for a reason, I believe. Anyway, I say all of that to share that a dream came true tonight for me. It was an incredible, confirming night. One that helps me realize I am on the right path and that I translated what God put into my heart some years ago in a way honoring to God. Tonight we had the funeral for our friend, camper and Able Church member Phil. You might say well that sounds completly crazy... you dreamed of having a funeral??? Well not exactly, let me explain... We started Camp Daniel 15 years ago with a basic concept of seeing campers get saved. So many did in those first few years that the problem of where they would go to church came about. Most did not end up getting connected to a church after they left camp. So became the opportunity to dream a new dream. We started a monthly program called PowerHouse Fellowship in Crivitz. My friend, brother, and fellow dreamer, Pastor John Koch, was instrumental in getting this rolling. Together, we are a dream machine; in fact, people would laugh at many, many of the conversations we have had over the last 10 or so years. We have dreamed up ministry after ministry, one idea leading to another and then on to the next. We have had the opportunity to act on some of these and see them lived out, and that is exciting; and others well, are better left being dreams! So we started PowerHouse Fellowship and eventually dreamed of starting a church for people with disabilities where everyone's gift would be valued and used to grow a family or community of people serving and growing together. During that time we also started Firehouse Fellowship in Green Bay with the help of Nancy List and then started The Able Fellowship in Green Bay. 4 or 5 years ago I really felt that God was pushing us to begin to live out this dream of a church as I described above and we consolodated our fellowships into a church called The Able Church. The concept burned strongly in me, enough so that the push towards it, even though incredibly hard, was worth pursuing. It took its toll; two good friends and board members left as they saw it as something that would only serve to sidetrack me from getting Camp Daniel finished. That was a very painful time of great questioning. Why would God put this dream in my heart and the opportunity to see it through? Why would he take the people closest to me away as I began to pusue this dream? We have pushed ahead with the dream and God has blessed it, and brought along many, many people into my life to be part of it. I began as it's Pastor and God brought Pastor John on full time so I could hand it off to him. From there, John handed its leadership over to Pastor Tim Mandich, whom God has annoited as His servant to lead the church. We have Jen and Marceaux, Molly, the Weidner family, the Woods Family, Wendy, and so many others who work hard in service with their Able Church Family. So even with all God has provided in this pursuit of this dream, I still at times would feel lingering doubts, as the words of my friends who left at the front of this dream would ring in my mind. So all that brings us to tonight's funeral. A historic day in the life of our church family; one where we became a full fledged church, experiencing God in way only a church family can. This is the fulfilment of a part of this big dream of having a church that was recognized as being whole, as being filled with the worlds definition of weak people, and as being a community that would celebrate life and death together. So tonight well over a hundred people joined togther to celebrate Phil's life, His faith, and his chruch. People with disabilities greeted Phil's family and prayed for his friends, worshipped God together, preached about heaven and led us in saying goodbye to one of our own. It was a night I will never forget, one that confirmed the first part of a dream so big only God will be able to see it through. I look foward to how it will all unfold. I stand with my heart full of confidence that God's purpose will prevail, yet I know my doubting mind will question if it was just a dream. Father God, I am thankful for the dreams you have given, and for the patience to help me grow into what you want me to be. Thank you for The Able Church and all that you have done to bring it to where it is today. Amen

Battlefields

2011-03-06T17:16:00.005-06:00

This blog entry is reprint from an article from LIFT Magazine. I have been writing the sibling sideline article for some years for LIFT. You can see this magazine online through this link:

www.liftdisability.net/liftmagazine/Lift%20Magazine%2021-1%20internet.pdf

It is for families that experience disability with articles written from each persons perspective in the family. This article was written previous to my last blog post here. I would encourage you to read the entire magazine, which my friends Jim and Rhonette Hukill write for and edit.

“The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner is the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemy’s.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

I grew up on a battlefield, where life could change in a minute. My brother Dan had a physical disability that took his life at the age of 21, just 16 years ago. He battled to breath, to be heard, for equality, and for life. My parents battled to keep Dan alive, to hold together a marriage and family despite the odds, and to make life consistent for themselves and their family no matter the circumstance. My younger sister and I battled to to be seen and heard, and to cope with chaos and change. Our family had stretches of peace and consistent life, where Dan’s disability went unnoticed to us because it was just a part of life. Those regular stretches would get disrupted by the chaos of extreme health issues, hospital stays, battles with the school, and thoughts of death. Life as usual could at any moment suddenly come to a complete halt, changing what was important one minute to became secondary to Dan and his battle for life in the next. Our family marched forward together no matter what the circumstance, and made it through life and death. I have carried the aftershock of the war for the 20 some years of my adult life. The post combat trauma I experienced is real, and the pain has been important to deal with.

I am now 42 years old, I have a wife and children of my own. Disability is still just as important in my life as it was growing up but in a totally different way. My life has been impacted in everyway by growing up with disability. Most of what I am and do can be traced to it. Many of the positive qualities in me are because of the blessing of disability. I have written in past articles here about the many positive characters that are exhibited in siblings of people with disabilities. But it is only recently that I have been able to deal with the negative issues that have affected me because of the fallout of living in the battle of disability. I have been through counseling and have learned to recognize I have been fighting a battle with ghosts and an enemy that only exists in my the scars of my mind. Growing up living in the battlefield made life so often feel totally out of control. I grasped for control in many ways; acting out for attention, eating to sooth pain, showing anger to keep people distant, manipulating to get my way, and taking charge of relationships whenever possible. I have thought that life on the battlefield, one filled with chaos in me and in others, just had to be controlled to be safe. The above quote by Napoleon, describes how I have perceived living for most of my life, but it is wrong thinking. Only in Gods hands is the chaos under control. The battle has purpose if we live it out trusting Him, and the battlefield is not where we have to live forever. The war ended yet my survival instincts, fighting skills, emotional state, and focus have continued in battle mode. While a few of those things have helped me as a leader in my adult life as a ministry director, they have hurt me severely in relationships, self perception, physical health, and my trust of God, myself and others. I have finally come to a place where I have walked off the battlefield in my mind, where I can feel the peace that God has given me for the first time.

In my ministry now comes opportunities to help families that are in the midst of the same battle I grew up in. Offering parents a view from post-battle can help them see better how to help their kids in the midst of what they are encountering. Jim and Rhonette are directing a camp this summer that will be so important in the lives of families that encounter disability. It is a long needed furlough for many on the front lines. A time for parents to stop surviving for a few days and just live and connect. A place where kids with disabilities can grow and learn that they are created by God for a purpose. An opportunity for those kids’ siblings to to realize that although life feels out of control, God has it all under control. I think back to my childhood and wonder if our family had this opportunity, how it would have impacted us. So, lets make sure no one is left behind to continue fighting this war without help, by committing our prayers, funds, and time to help them get this new venture off the ground.

Opposing Forces in a war at 3:07 AM

2011-01-05T23:01:00.009-06:00

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility... there really are so few of us left."

—Oscar Levan

Thursday, 2:14 AM; I lay awake tonight in turmoil... another night of wrestling with my mind. My heart aches with my desires to be like Jesus, my mind counters with the reality of my choices that seam so counter to the desires of my heart. I know what my heart desires but my mind is weak and usually gives in. I try to pray, for help, for others, in thanks, in confession... but my mind wanders faster than I can type those words. So the bell rings and thus begin the wrestling match...

-My heart aches because it wants to feel presence of God so badly. My mind says it wants a sandwich so I can stop feeling anything.

-My heart wants to set aside all the distractions from hearing, seeing, feeling and loving God. My mind wanders as I pray this, thinking about projects, football, how to raise money to finish the camp.

-My heart wants to destroy my ego so I am so humble I can live in thanks to my God who loves me no matter what I do for Him or others, so I try to pray in thanksgiving. My mind discusses with me how I am so talented that I could come up with new and innovative ways to get people to come to church, but it is not worth how hard it is to get others on board.

-My heart proposes to depend on God to the point I would live with nothing in order to be able to rely on Him. My mind is congratulating itself for having so much common sense to never do something so stupid.

-My heart wants others to know God's love so badly that I would sacrifice anything to show them that love. But my mind is excited that deadliest catch will be starting soon and so do football playoffs and it thinks that having a new tv would make it even more fun to watch it all.

-My heart wants to be willing to die for my God because I so strongly believe that being in heaven with Him outweighs anything this life has offer. My mind counters with how stupid those thoughts are because if I was dead it would just drag many others down and little could get accomplished without me.

-My heart strives to believe in heaven and hell so strongly that I lay awake in worry about lost souls. Instead I lay awake worrying I am losing my mind.

-My heart desires to be in community with other Christians so badly that I want to forsake my messed up American values that blind me to what is truly important in this life. My mind wants to demand to be paid for all the work I do for others.

-My heart demands truth so strongly that I would take its consequence before my ego, my power, my self love and my status among other men. My mind likes to speak truth in doses that I can control and prove how good I am.

-My heart wants to be used so badly by God that I stop doing anything on my own to promote myself or my agenda. My mind reminds my heart it sets agenda and that agenda is all about me.

-My heart want to so reflect His love that I strip myself of anything that stands in the way of others seeing His reflection. My mind says that if I am not commended for all I do that I will stop doing it and then everyone will know just how valuable I am.

-My heart wants to be so obedient to Gods words that I would pick up my cross and follow Him even to death. My mind reminds my heart and my body that I am to fat to pick up anything, and that is so depressing I should get out of bed and make a sandwich. I get a drink, go to the bathroom and pick up my computer to blog instead.

- My mind says it is now 3:07 and I am tired so stop blogging and go to sleep.

So now you know the creative process that occurs in me. My mind wins these fights more often than not.

-My heart says to post this so others might recognize the war between the heart and mind is real, and that they are not alone in the battle. My mind says exposing this kind of thing can make me seem unspiritual and I can lose peoples confidence in my leadership, so delete it.

-Tonight my heart wins one, my mind says good job heart... you are really are great, lets make a sandwich to celebrate!

...Goodnight!

Experiencing God, living in His community and being transformed into His image

2010-12-14T13:34:00.011-06:00

"Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us."
Charles Spurgeon

The last three months have been a time of incredible struggle for me. God has pressed on me in a way I have never before felt. My flesh is screaming, my ego is smarting, my mind is racing. I feel as though I am in the midst of an incredible battle, a war where my flesh is pitted against my soul. I know what I need... to be focused on Jesus. I know what God wants... for me to climb into His loving arms and be close to Him. This may seem as easy as just deciding to do it, yet it is by far the most daunting process of my 42 years. My entry below describes a little of my fight. Starting when I was in Africa and then through the summer of camps I sensed God's presence, differently than ever before, He was asking me for more. It was this question of trust and control that was hounding me. I fight allot with wanting to control my own destiny. My flesh is fighting for all it is worth, not wanting to let go. When I say let go, I mean totally letting go, a free fall. It is a scary proposition, while I grasp onto things from our broken world knowing they cannot fully bring joy, happiness, or contentment, they still bring momentary comfort, the illusion of control, and faux joy.

One of my big problems is my dependance on food to fill moments of pain, boredom, loneliness, stress, or any other feeling I have. So instead of finding God in those moments, Instead of receiving His love and comfort, I have developed "ways" of soothing myself, which is just another way of saying "tricking my mind" for a moments relief. This process, while not always food based, is one human kind has in common. Sin has divided us from God, and we now have our flesh to deal with. Our minds tell us the very opposite of what our souls need. Our minds will even use good things, spiritual things, to fill our aching hearts. I love the movie "The Matrix". Not for the special effects or action, but for the way it describes the battle we have with our minds. The battle we are pitted against with our flesh. Here is conversation from the movie between Neo and Morpheus that describes exactly what I have felt through my life with little understanding of what I was feeling:

Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo: You could say that.

Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here... You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you want to know what it is?

It is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes.

It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.

I know you might be thinking I have jumped off the deep end, that I have lost myself in extreme thinking and weird ideas. But I have never been closer to God, It has never been more clear to me what my soul desires and how my flesh is divided from God. I do not want to be a slave to my flesh, I want to live in the freedom of Gods embrace. I desire closeness to God more than ever in my life. I know this road will be hard, harsh and my flesh will battle me at every moment.

I have read Romans over several times, especially Romans 7 and 8. I see the same struggle that Paul encountered, and reading commentaries on it I see some Biblical "Scholars" did not understand the struggle he wrote about. I am at a crossroads most do not turn at in their Christian walk and I understand why...It is hard, bordering on impossible! Yet, I believe with all my heart I am in good place, a place of battle to continue moving towards God. But still, I am in a place where it would be easy to turn back and stay where I was, so I ask for your prayer.

This fall we had a special speaker at our church, she went to dinner with all the Pastors and Elders of our church. She spoke to us after dinner, telling us God had laid a message on her heart for us specifically. She spoke of our need to dismantle our very supporting structure, and be guided solely by God in rebuilding it. That what we have built on is faulty and prone to crumbling, which would destroy us and those working around us. She said we must be in direct communication with God in order to know what to build, what to do, and not to build using formula or any man made concepts. She stressed that we could continue as we are, fixing and patching the surface and be ok there, with minimal results, and always being a moment from collapse, or we could move into a new thing God had for us, which is bigger, better, and would lead to incredible things. She was speaking to the way we "do" church and also to "the church", which is us, each one of us as individuals. Her message from God hit home for me, confirming all that God has been doing in my heart and our church. I look at it as pivotal moment for me, am I ready? No! It is painful, unnatural, and daunting. I feel taunted, pushed down, pained, punched and beat up. It is a never ending tug of war, constant argument in my mind and takes more vigilance than I have to be recognizing my motives, my ego and my wish to blessed beyond anything else. It will become easier I know, the more of the pile of stuff that gets out of my way, the easier it is to see Jesus. The easier to see Jesus, the more I realize my need to be near Him. As Neo began to realize so am I; I am imprisoned by my mind, corrupted by sin, and blinded from truth. As my perspective turns heavenward I see better the world that is pulled over my eyes. As it becomes clearer the enemy is more recognizable and easier to fight.

So to sum up, I believe God is working in me and wanting to build His church. I am working to move closer to God, to experience His presence in me and others. As I relate and love others who are broken and also are being transformed we become more like Jesus, encouraging and being light for each other to continue to move and bring others with us.

Thankfulness... for His blessing?

2010-11-28T17:27:00.009-06:00

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving."

- W. T. Purkiser

The Thanksgiving holiday has been a time for reflection and thanks. We offer thanks mostly for God's blessings to us. It seems we are always thankful for what we perceive as God's blessing's. I often wonder if I only thank God when sickness ends, when a check comes in the mail, when my kids obey, do good in school, or make me happy. Really thats mostly it...I am most thankful when I feel happy, and that is the feeling I have assigned to blessing. That happiness is also is closely linked to how comfortable I am, and how far I away I feel from loneliness, hurt, anger, pain, and despair. The reality is, my thanks is based in how good my flesh feels, and my flesh wants me to believe that only things that feeI good, are blessings from God. I am mostly controlled by my fleshly passions, doing, seeking, believing and saying things that help make my life work. I read books to be a better Christian, better leader, a better friend, husband and father. When I pray, I ask for God blessings, I want the kind that make my life fall into good order and things to work out for my happiness. I am so easily deceived by a formulated Christian walk in which I believe if I do this, this, and this and hold it up to God, then He will give this other thing I want. The reality is that 99% of my life is spent trying to feel good, make life work, and keep up my end of a man made formula to keep God happy with me so I keep on receiving what my flesh says it deserves.

I know what your saying right now, cmon' Tony, you are being to hard, to negative, you are overstating; you are a good guy, who loves God and He loves you. God wants you to be happy... That may all be true, yet in total honesty I know there is a big dark hole that every human feels and we try desperately to fill it with fleshly happiness. For some, we try to fill that hole with really good things, things that appear soul satisfying, yet we often twist them into fleshly pursuits... serving, loving, caring, helping, prayer, reading. For others, we try and fill it with things like sex, food, drugs, working, or whatever makes us feel a little better, little moments of euphoria that we mistake for real soul satisfaction. Either way it is us trying to plug a hole from our side and does little to further ourselves in the very reason God made us.

The issue in all of this is simply that our flesh blinds to what makes our soul truly happy. True happiness, real satisfaction, genuine freedom, total peace can only be had from closeness to God. Our life's pursuits as Christians need to be, first and foremost a drive to be close to God. At all fleshly costs move towards Him, be with Him, desire Him, and live for His presence. Only God satisfies, nothing else we try and do quenches the burning fire of our souls. Nothing else we use to fill the dark hole works, no formula can force God's hand and nothing we do can get us to place to deserve anything.

So with all that being said, you are probably saying; well this is a downer, you sure are a negative guy Tony! I would agree, yet I know that God has been knocking on my door trying to get me to understand this, and it has not come easy for me. I have spent countless hours doing God's work, giving all I have to further His kingdom. Working as hard as I can, as long as I can, to make sure His word gets out. Yet for the most part I have failed. Failed because my heart was not in the right place, because my pursuits usually are not to move closer to God, but rather to feel better about my relationship with Him. While I truly understand God takes even what we do for the wrong reasons and turns it into good, I also know it does little for my soul.

So I write all of these things to simply say that I ask for your prayer, your love, and your understanding as I move towards just being with God, Doing His work to be close to Him, using my gifts to be close to Him, being thankful for His true blessings (which are things that often make us hurt as He refines us) to be close to Him, and listening and responding to His voice to be close to Him. I have been working to identify areas in my life where I have not put God's agenda first and have done things for the wrong reasons. So no more will I addictivly eat to calm the stress, feel good, or fill an aching hole in my heart. No more will I work as hard as I can using my gifts to feel good about myself, build my ego or seek praise. No more will I give love in order to receive love back, not to feel lonely, or get a result. I could go on and on here, but you get the picture! I am praying for Gods strength to move closer to Him, accept His circumstances, and trust Him, then I will truly be able to give thanks for His blessings.

Trust

2010-08-28T17:19:00.012-05:00

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have been altered" - Nelson Mandela

Last week I spent three days at my families cabin in Upper Michigan. It was a time of rest and relaxation with no phones, TV, meetings, schedules, or demands. I feel rejuvenated and ready for more of God's work. "The Cabin" is a place in the woods near Perch Lake, basically untouched by time and progress. A place that houses our families history and traditions and place that has changed little in comparison to the world in the 41 years of my life. It is a place I can count on, that is "home" to me no matter the circumstances of the world. I can go there and see life in a clearer way and see myself clearer also. It is a place where the haze of living disappears and I see things from a better perspective. This perspective hit me on Friday night.

As I sat on the shore of the lake on Friday night catching crayfish with my son, I looked up to the sky to see the stars. As I panned to the Big Dipper I thought of looking up at the same big dipper that I looked up at as a child, holding my Grandpa's hand, feeling totally secure. I thought of looking up at the same Big Dipper as a teen, with my cousins and friends laughing, goofing around, and feeling like life could not be any more fun than this, at night, on the shores of the lake. I thought of looking up from this same place and looking at the same stars with my new fiance as a twenty some year old, with an unwritten future in front of us. I thought about sitting on the same shore seeing the same stars with my family, after the funeral services of my brother, grandparents, cousins and so many close to me and feeling the grief of loss. As I looked at my son reaching into the lake from that same shore, the quote above came to mind. I began to see just how I have changed over my own short 41 years. It does become easy to see against the same backdrop. We don't often get that perspective, seeing ourselves at so many stages in the exact same place. I became grateful in that moment, to God, for His blessing. The blessing of the continual love I have known from childhood to now.

You see, that night at the lake as I looked back on countless moments from my own life, I realized that in every memory I had, there where other people with me, who loved me. In each memory I had changed, grown, and matured but what was unchanged was the loving relationships I had in each memory. God has always made sure I have understood how unwavering His love is, in the example of a family who has always loved me. I find it easy to trust God's love for me in large part because I have always been loved. I do not have bad memories of feeling alone, or not accepted, I only know the security of God's love, and the security of God's love through the love of the family He has given me. This security has helped me to trust; trust God and the people He has surrounded me with. In that trust I have grown. I believe that trust and growth go hand in hand. As I trust, I move ahead, in that movement comes God's circumstances to create change in me. It is only in the light of God's unfailing grace that I can grow, change, and become a little bit more like Him.

I have quoted my favorite song many times before, but it is once again appropriate for me sing; Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus... Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Hiking to the edge... and jumping off!

2010-08-19T13:36:00.014-05:00

First you jump off the cliff and then you build wings on the way down.

- Ray Bradbury

The long hike which is our summer camp season, ended this past weekend, bringing to a close a very long tour of mission work covering three months and stretching from Minnesota, to Chicago, to Africa and back to NE Wisconsin. On this journey we have seen so many saved, so many lives changed, and so much growth in ourselves and those around us. To say I feel exhausted after this long trek is an understatement... I feel totally drained, burned out, and beat up. Yet in the midst of the exhaustion, I feel totally invigorated, God is closer than ever before. I see things more clearly than ever before, and I am excited to move forward into what God has next. God has broken me many, many times this summer to help me see things His way, and not through my clouded vision, and I am thankful He has. In fact, at this moment I feel like I have hiked through valleys, fields, mountain passes, through searing heat, rained swelled rivers and then to the highest cliffs and then been asked to jump off the edge of that cliff, into the arms of Jesus. There is a perspective only seen from the heights that God can carry us to, and only after we jump can God catch us and raise us to those heights. In my exhausted state, well meaning people, warn me that the pace I keep as I hike, is way too fast. But I know God is waiting to refill and refuel me as He is doing right now in this week spent resting with my family. He is making me ready to begin hiking again to another cliff, in order that I may jump into His loving arms.

I am used to being regularly warned by well meaning hikers to take it easy, to watch out for the coming cliffs and pitfalls. So many of those with warnings are afraid to even get close to the edge, so scared of the edge they never even want to to see where it is. These people often are found hiding in the valley, waiting and warning others to be careful of what may be ahead, or what may happen to those who move to fast or far. There are still others who do hike to the edge but are afraid to look at the vista, and others who hike to the edge to look and walk back away from it in fear in order to be safe and secure. They to, often warn of what dangers the edge can hold. Then there are the millions who take the long journey up to the edge and spend a lifetime camped on the cliff, surveying all of God's possibilities, but never jump. These people find connections with others at the edge, but never experience the connection to God that only the jump brings.

All of the places God takes us to as we climb mountains for Him are important steps. We must mark each peak we stand on and remember them as we continue our walk with Him. He has us jumping over small brooks, running over rickety bridges, climbing hills and walking through dark places in order to learn to trust His guiding. We must prepare ourselves to not be afraid to go where He is taking us next, it may mean hiking in the snow of despair, or clinching to a steep face of rock that brings fear, or skipping through a golden field of wildflowers that bring joy, whatever it is, we must continue to walk with Him. But we must not be so engrossed in the hike that we forget the destination. With each step we are brought closer to Him, yet each step God will eventually lead us to the highest cliffs and then expect us to jump into His arms.

So as I look back on the long hike this summer I am more sure than ever that my job is to help others on the hike, and more importantly to help them make the jump of faith. I am thankful for all those on the same journey, hiking to the peak and especially for all those jumping into the arms of Jesus, that encourage me to do the same. As I fall into Jesus arms I look back up and see so many of you on the cliff looking down...Don't be afraid.. he will catch you, I promise... you know who you are!

Africa: perspective

2010-06-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

We have spent two days on the girls school worksite now and much has been accomplished. It is a joy to be serving among those from LHC, The group of men from The Agape Church in Nairobi, the Bethany College interns and the locals hired on as laborers. Men become brothers as they work together, serving Jesus. Everyone has worked hard and the heat has been intense as there is no escape from it aside from a 3 minute cold shower in the evening or a cold Coke Tim uses to keep us moving at a lunch of rice and boiled goat stew!

There is a joy that permeates everything that is happening. The vision was cast for us on day one and has been revisited each day, as to what this project will mean to this area in the future as someday so many will be saved here. Dr Kabachia expressed to us the first night that his passion was to reach those who have never heard the gospel. He said that if someday we go to Mars he would even like to share the gospel to those who live there. While this place is as different as Mars to Wisconsin, what remains the same is when God’s people serve Him there is a loving unity that happens like at no other times. My perspective has changed in that the world has shrunk as I realize that people have vision and joy all over the world. Not based in what they own, where they live or who they know, but based in a heavenly perspective of a God who loves us so.

One of the men that has quickly become a friend to me a man named Maina, he is the foreman of the school construction. He lives outside Nairobi but is working here where we are. We have worked together and have talked, and have found much in commen. In his very broken English we work to communicate and have found we are like souls in that we want to find better ways of doing what we do, growing through the investment of family and friends. I awoke this morning feeling some sadness as I missed my wife and kids, as Maina and I began working he told me about his wife and three kids. He got tearful as he expressed that he could not afford to go home to Nairobi to see them and has been gone for a month leading this job. He wondered if it was worth being away and expressed that he wanted so much more for his children than he has. He does not want them to live just “for their daily bread” as he put it. He wanted them to learn and grow and be free not to worry. My perspective quickly changed about the short week I have been without my family.

He lamented about some of the laborers, one that is 70 years old and has been a carpenter since he was a teenager, but has to continue to work just to eat each day. Maina is 41 years old just like me, he has kids the same age as mine. He has dreams and heartbreaks just like me. He feels sadness for those without a vision for more than survival, he feels many men here will not change and grow in order to have a different life. He told me how he has a passion to break the poverty cycle that traps people into not having a vision for something better. We talked a lot about the differences of building in the US verses here in Kenya. He told me he wants to do things better, but that the culture here does not like that kind of change. He finds it hard to lead, as others want to do things the same as they have always been done. He is a man who understands “the best is yet to come” and lives expecting to experience it.

My perspective has changed as God has introduced me to Maina, a man like myself who dreams big dreams, is thankful for his family and yet has little access to the tools I do to make a way for change to happen. What do I do in my own strength to make change? When do I rely totally on God for His change? Maina has no choice but to wait on God, he has no way of creating change other than that. I know I will come home with renewed strength to hear God and respond to His voice rather than my own. I ask for you to pray for Maina and for his family as they spend time apart while he manages the construction process of this school that will change life for so many. I ask for prayer also as God continues to change my perspective, that I would hear Him despite my own loud voice.

Little Tony

Blessed

2010-06-10T02:15:00.006-05:00

Its 3:00 in the morning on Thursday June 10th. We finished packing the totes with our tools, gifts for the missionaries and other things needed for the trip. We await the rest of the teams arrival at 4 AM to load the bus at and leave to Chicago to catch our plane to Washington DC, then to Amsterdam and on to Nairobi. As I sit I sit in the quiet of the church, I am thankful for all that has led up to this trip. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind of activity, getting much done in a little time in order to make this trip happen.

As I sit here I don't feel anxiety for the trip, as I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. What I am feeling though is incredibly blessed, it is overwhelming right now. God has given me more than I deserve, I am rich in knowing his love. I am so grateful for the love that comes from my wife, children, family and friends. I have been given every earthly gift there could be. God has been so good and I know He loves me and made me for a purpose. There are few things more fulfilling than that knowledge.

So I head off around the world more 8,000 miles away from home knowing God cares enough to break my heart once again in order that I might move closer to Him. I have stopped wondering what God will do on this trip and have accepted that it is yet another moment to kill off some of my flesh and be reborn more like Him. I look forward to all He will do and to how this will change us as individuals and as a group.

I ask for your prayer while we are gone, for courage to follow where God leads and to grow as He stretches us. I ask for prayer for my family, at home who will worry about me and work hard in my absence, getting ready for camp. I ask you to follow the link to the Living Hope Missions Blog that will give updates while we are on the trip. I look forward to blogging here when I get back, but with a new outlook on serving God through traveling this path he has taken us on.

Balance

2010-03-30T06:24:00.007-05:00

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

Charles Wadsworth

My dad turned 70 years old just a few days ago. It has started me thinking about him, what he means to me and the blessing God has given me in my family. Few men have had the opportunity I have had to stand in ministry, working side by side, doing God's work like we have. It is a gift I have both loved and hated over the years, and I am sure he would concur! God put us together in this unique partnership, as together we are more whole than we ever could be apart. God has made it so clear over the years that our relationship of dependance is key to the survival of the ministry we are called to. My dad has always been a rock, even tempered, centered, and very conservative. I on the other hand am artistic, emotional, extreme, and a dreamer. Somehow we meet in the middle and together are much more able than we are apart. My father is very wise, sometimes dogmatic, and has whole lot of common sense. He has told me since I was a teenager that I might not have any sense whatsoever and that I am hardheaded, which is often true! But again, we meet in the middle of this, and become more whole together than apart. My perspective of my father comes from several places; as his son, as his co-laborer in ministry, as a subordinate and at times as his boss. While this could be confusing, it is not, mainly because he remains consistent in every role. So after knowing my dad for over 40 years of his 70, I have learned that the key to much of life is balance. That may make you laugh if you know me, balance is not something that anyone thinks of when they think of me, yet it is something I think of daily. While I am not always balanced myself, it is in community I can be. God created us to be in community, not alone. He has given us spouses who should balance us, kids, families and friends, all who help us be balanced. My extreme gifts are useless with out the balance of a time and place to use them, something other people bring to the table.

As I ponder relationships, it is imbalance that usually creates the issues, the perception of one person giving more, needing more, or not doing their share. It seems to be true in marriage, working relationships, family relationships and really all relationships. God gives us community, each other, in order to bring balance. Our flesh tells us to not depend on others, to keep control and to push our own agenda, it is only through the Holy Spirit that we can be humbled and graceful enough to desire the balance that we need. It is a daily battle for me, and I am thankful for a father to help me fight this battle, as we live in community here at Camp Daniel.

Knot Hole Vision

2010-03-19T08:57:00.013-05:00

Many of you who read this may not know that I am getting prepared for a missions trip to Kenya, Africa. Tim and Chrissy have been taking teams to Africa for the last ten years working with friends from their days at Bethany College of Missions in Minnesota, who are full time missionaries in Kenya. This trip is to build a girls school where there is no school for girls, in an area where there are few Christians. If you have interest in learning more, I would invite you to our blog about the missions we are involved in at

www.lhcmissions.blogspot.com.

We leave June 10th and will be gone over two weeks. If you can help me financially please email me and will send you out a support card. If you will pray for me during this time please email that you would commit to that.

tony@campdaniel.org

I am getting a consistent question...Why do you want to go to Africa? Don't you have enough to do? The answer is yes, I have enough to do, but more importantly the answer is that I believe this trip will help me grow; closer to God, farther from my "American" candy coated life, and as a servant, a minister and leader. I go on this trip not necessarily feeling "called" but I don't particularly believe that has much to do with anything but my main life's pursuit. Biblically, it says to "Go" so I will. It is hard for others from the outside to see how this lines up in the vision God has given us for Camp Daniel, but it does. My Uncle Jerry taught me many years ago that God always cares more about our relationship with Him than the ministry we are in. It is that basis in which much of the ministry has happened at Camp Daniel. As the servants who carry out the ministry grow, so does the ministry grow. So this trip is vital to the future of Camp Daniel and our growth.

Sue Koch taught taught me a simple yet very profound concept some years ago. It goes like this; Life is like watching a baseball game... through a knot hole in a fence. The game is going on and God is seeing it all, yet we can only see the narrow sight line through that hole. At some point in the game we may see a batter hit the ball up in the air, and a fielder catch it. We may have disappointment because he got out. But what we missed was the go ahead run scoring as it was a sacrifice fly. This has been so profound to me that I have based allot of my leadership on the concept, I am only seeing from my point of view, not God's. So a big part of what I have tried to do is enlarge the knot hole in order to have a wider sight line. That is what this missions trip is all about, enlarging the knot hole to see a broader perspective to change me, the ministry I am involved in, and the way I lead, by seeing from a perspective just a little closer to heavens.

I know that we never see the entire game while here on earth, and that will make it hard to do things right. Yet, I also know God is constantly giving us opportunity to see things from His perspective, we must be willing to look. They are simply glimpses, but they are life changing every time they happen. So I go to Africa knowing I will get a glimpse of what God wants me to see, and that is exciting, yet I go humbly and with a little fear as I know that these glimpses cause us to grow and growth can hurt! So I ask for your prayer as I continue to cut at that knot hole to make it bigger.

Doubt

2010-03-15T09:16:00.011-05:00

“When in doubt... sing loud” Robert Merrill - Composer

Yesterday I was talking with my friend George about doubt, I have been thinking about it since. Doubt is a constant companion in my Christian walk. I believe it is the ability to overcome doubt that is key to opening ourselves up to all that God has for our lives. For so many doubt steals away the ability to make decisions to move ahead in life. It forces people to live in a bubble of protection and wall building. It keeps people in the pits when the race is already started.

As I read about the heroes of faith in the Bible I see so many people in doubt... Moses, Gideon, and Peter just to name a few. While Thomas gets the nickname, I think all of us battle the same issue. Often when we say we are praying for confirmation of this or that we believe God wants us to do, but really we simply are in doubt. I believe it is rarely a question about what to do for God, but more a question of if we can overcome the little voice inside to do it.

In church yesterday we learned about the inner critic we all have, and how that inhibits us to truly be free to worship and praise God. We learned that the inner critic grows as we do, in children it is not present, but as we grow up it does too! We learned of this because there will be a new class on Sunday Mornings investigating the development of the different sides of our brains. What an incredible idea, a hands on way to overcome our inner critic to help us to be free follow God's voice! Revolutionary! What if the whole church entered into a class like this, and began practicing this freeing concept, the results could change everything!

Growing up, I was blessed to live in a setting much like this class will be. We learned that children that are encouraged in their artistic ability are more naturally able to sound out the inner critic. I was always an artist, encouraged to create and applauded by the results. So while the inner critic or doubt as we call it, still exists in me I believe it is tamed a little through time and practice. It is often merely by practice that we do certain repetitive actions, this can be good or bad. We want to make sure those habits we have are healthy and bring us closer to God. I have many... many bad habits. Actions that are repetitive that hurt me, stunt my growth and bring me away from God. So it becomes even more important to build up the muscle that silences that inner critic. It is through time and use that it gets strong enough to pull the weaker parts of me along. It is now the muscle that dominates my movement that makes me move ahead toward God and away from myself, my doubt, my pity and my shame.

So as I spoke with George yesterday, we concluded it would better to move ahead in fear, denying that voice of doubt that is always there. I think we both can feel better knowing the company we keep...Moses, Gideon, Peter, Thomas, George and Tony too!

My reply to the comment by Anonymous on my post below

2010-02-14T22:44:00.009-06:00

I am thankful to those who leave comments on this blog, it is encouraging and at times challenging. Blogging for me is putting a little of me out there on display for others to see. I write two entries for every one I post, as I tend to rant about things that hit me. Anyway, I want to reply to a comment from my last entry here in this new post. While I don't like anonymous replies, I do appreciate the reply in its challenge and as an opportunity to open discussion, it is my hope to inspire discussion through what I write here.

I do not feel my Blog entry "What a day it will be" overstated any point. It is easy for us who are not being threatened and killed to feel it is ok to understate the current climate in which we live and die. Statistics prove that as many as 92% of babies who, through prenatal testing, show that they may be born with down syndrome, will be killed. This is the very definition of genocide. Webster defines genocide as the deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial political, or cultural group. Coined in 1944, geno- from latin = race and -cide from greek = kill "genocide". People with mental disabilities are a culture, being threatened with extinction through mass killings. Socialized medicine has been detrimental to people with disabilities through out history. When Hitlers Germany began their attempt to crush people with disabilities into oblivion in 1939, the mass killing went unnoticed and the cries unheard by the world. The killings of thousands with disabilities continued for several years before what is called the holocaust even began. The worlds attitudes have changed little as this culture of people who have disabilities are still unvalued and threatened by this attitude. My use of the words genocide and crushed into oblivion are not thoughtless words of anger but rather well thought out words of taken from history we seem bent on repeating.

Ignorance is never a pass for bad language and hurting words. The language is constant and consistent in the world today. Just recently as I walked with my brothers at a dept store, one of them was called a retard by a teenage boy as he tried to talk to him. So know that people with disabilities are called this regularly, and this is not the only time this has happened to us.

My intent is not to see government change but rather the church. While I do see there have been changes in the last year for people with disabilities for the good, I believe the bad is out weighing the good. When there is a group of people in bondage to a government it cannot end well unless that group is freed. Therefor I believe the church is last defense of those most defenseless. The church is the only place where the culture of people with disabilities can be valued as God values and stand against those who wish to eliminate them in the ways I have mentioned here. I am not one who ever complains with out action, my life and the life of my family is centered in recognizing the value of people with disabilities and forcing the issue with anyone in our path. It is not a pet issue with us, but a life calling that has spanned generations, life and death. I will not rely on my words to try and get representatives, senators and lobbyists to create change, but on God and His church to value and love those He has created, values and loves. We are in the final days where we are not banging our heads against brick walls but rather where bricks are slammed into the heads of those most defenseless... and we must stand up for them. The change that came in Little Rock in the form of desegregation did not come fast enough for those who where lynched, tortured enslaved and killed in the preceding years of American history and change cannot come fast enough for those fighting for life now.

What a Day It will Be!

2010-02-11T14:28:00.006-06:00

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice gets to a fork in the road and she asks the cat. "Which way do I go?" "Where are you going?," asks the cat. "I don't know." "Then it really doesn't make any difference which way you go," replies the cat.

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel recently used the word retarded and the backlash was swift and typical. He apologized to the Special Olympic President, and the movement to end the use of "R" word was hailed by all as the way to bring everyone together in a hands across America moment of solidarity. Almost a year ago we had the duplicate type of reaction which began with President Obama referring to his bad bowling as "Special Olympic". This unfortunate use of the word retarded has allowed me to step back and realize that nothing has changed in the last year for people with mental disabilities. Bad attitudes and beliefs that there is no value in those who have disabilities is what truly is behind ignorant words that people use. In fact things may be a little harder in America today than one year ago for most. Funding has been slashed for many, the health care debate continues to put those with disabilities in precarious positions, and babies who may be born with disabilities continue to be aborted. As politicians use their own ignorance and mistakes as platforms for engineering campaigns for popularity, people with disabilities are being crushed into oblivion.

I recently was blessed to spend much time with disability ministry leaders from across the US while in Florida. To hear about how others are going about reaching the disabled community for Jesus is exciting and inspiring. Yet, I come away feeling like we are walking down a winding path to no where. We seem to have little idea where we want be at the end of the journey. We applaud the good reactions to ignorant statements made by politicians and others who do little to protect the innocent who need protecting. We get excited when "inspirational" people with disabilities accomplish fetes that move our emotions, and we cry tears of pain for the millions who are ignored, marginalized, and killed for having disabilities.

I am unsatisfied with our reactions to these moments. I am angered at our inability for 2000 years to convince the church of the need to complete the body by including those so desperately needed in it. I am devastated at the genocide of people with disabilities here in the US and through out the world. I am ashamed at the lack of love for people Jesus loved so dearly. I am sickened by our acceptance of the crumbs that drop from the tables of the typical church while people starve.

We need to wake up, we are at a point in history where we must fight, we are at a fork in the road and must know where we are going in order to decide which way to turn today. It does matter which way we go because we need to be together on the path in order to get to our appointed destination. We must begin casting vision to the future so we can walk the path in confidence and determination. We must paint a picture so amazing and beautiful that the existing church cannot deny the need to move towards it. We must unify the church in order that the world does not take from us the gift of disability that God has given us. We must be so sure of our calling, we must be willing to risk everything in pursuit of Gods voice. I am ready Lord, I am ready...

So as I begin to ponder what God has in store, I look forward to a future where people with disabilities complete our church bodies and the church finally works as the whole and powerful force that it should be. I look forward to a day when the birth of a baby with Down Syndrome is celebrated as a the rare and precious gift God has bestowed upon our families. I look forward to church services where people with disabilities gifts are on display so God's glory can be revealed to us in ways we never understood before. I look forward to the outpouring of the Holy Spirit which cannot be denied because God has used people without the mental capacity to manipulate or use Gods gift as an agenda to advance themselves. I look forward to walking into the gates of heaven and seeing Paul and Moses and then touching the disabling scars on Jesuses hands and feet as I truly understand for the first time that the last is now first and the poor now rich. What a day that will be!

We are Strong

2010-01-10T22:04:00.025-06:00

One of my favorite movies is "Glory". It is the story of one of the first black regiments to fight in the civil war. It is about a group of men, united in their race, yet different in their approaches to dealing with a world that sees them less than human, without value, and as souless pieces of property. The story is about the formation of a new all black regiment, and their road to becoming a unified and strong group of men willing to sacrifice everything, to have freedom for all. They fought in the attack on Fort Wagner which was a near impossible battle for them to win. Yet knowing they would probably die in the process, they led the charge. The movies final scenes are so powerful, showing the charge up the hill to the fort, and the flag bearer leading the charge. Each time the flag bearer fell to gunfire, another soldier would pick up the flag to show everyone they were still moving ahead. As long as the flag was moving, everyone else followed. The Battle was eventually lost, but politically, it was pivotal in the winning of the war. It exposed the need for the strength of a group of people previously held without value until that time. It showed that the battle could not be won without the full army of men needed to fight. People who were kept locked away in the darkness of ignorance, hate, and fear, finally came to front lines to bring light and carry the flag. It was a dark time in American history, we were more divided than we have ever been. Yet through the sacrifice of so many, the oppresive darkness was illuminated, and America was changed.

We started the Able Church in order to begin a process of organizing a regiment. We are a group finding our way, learning to be leaders, servants, and soldiers. We have encountered judgement, disbelief, and even anger at our vision. Much like the fighting 54th infantry of Glory, we are endeavoring to do things most do not believe can be done, and even fewer are willing to try. We want to lead by holding the flag up high. We want give opportunity for our brothers and sisters with disabilities to use the gifts God has given them to illuminate the darkness of the body, to bring completeness to an an incomplete church. The world has put people with disabilities in a place very close to what the black race encountered in the Civil War days. We kill off our unborn because they may have a disability, we devalue millions of people because they don't look, talk, walk, or live up to bar we have set. We rule people out because of what is seen rather than what is unseen. In the process we are losing a part of our own body, a needed, life giving, and important part.

The church is the only place where this can change, where we can embrace and retain a part of "us" so badly needed. It is a dark time in America, it is a dark time in the church, we are as divided as ever, we need strength now more than ever. We need a group that appears weak and unable to lead to show God's strength, bring unity, and lead a charge.

We are thankful to Living Hope Church, who have embraced us and given us a home, a family, and opportunity to be part of the fight. We will fight the battle along side them, carrying the flag so the world can see our God, whom is our only hope, in this dark world. Together we are learning that We are Strong and if we fight the battles God leads us to then we can help win the war.

Little Tony

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T17:29:00.013-06:00

Many are the plans of a man's heart but it is the Lords purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

I have been reflecting on the year of 2009, as many have, entering a new year. It was a good year, a hard year, a growing year, a year God pressed on me to takes steps to move closer to him. This is good... yet growth hurts as it stretches and changes everything.

Our camp theme was "I am God's Plan". The camp theme is a big deal to me. I spend allot of time in thought, prayer and preparation before I present it to everyone. The theme over the last year has helped me to come to a place of acceptance of what I believe God is moving me towards in my life. A year ago as a cloudy vision unfolded, I did not like God's purpose for me and was unwilling to accept it, as I already had a plan. So 12 months later and I have grown and now can see with clearer vision how God will unfold His plan for me and others. I am scared as move forward, I have said before, that the man God has shown me down the road, seems like an impossibility for me to be. I see my self doing things I know I cannot do, nor really want to. But, above my fear and self centeredness is my love for God, and knowledge that He can accomplish anything He wishes through us if we just say yes.

So in 2010 I am resolving to be at peace where God is taking me, to act in His strength as I do the work He lays out, and to be relentless in conveying the message He gives me to share.

I share all of that to tell you our theme at Camp Daniel for 2010..."We are Strong" I know it sounds simple, yet it conveys what we need to believe in order to share God's love in way to shake the world. Our campers must know that they are strong, because God has gifted them with weakness, and it is easier for Him to show His power through already weak vessels. We must come to the church with this message; embrace those who seem weak, those the world hates, because they are strong.

I am, on one hand not looking foward to a year of embracing this paradox. It will prove to be hard, to say the least. But on the other hand I look forward to the challenge of leading the charge. I will, in the coming days share more about it. In the meantime I am thankful to God for His patience in dealing with me yet another year as I pursue my own plans and He laughs as He unfolds His purpose. I sure am weak... I mean strong!

A Song for the Shepherds

2009-12-24T09:13:00.009-06:00

"Then Spread my thoughts to olden times, to that first of Christmases...

When the shepherds who were watching, heard the music in the fields.

They sat and they marveled, they just could not tell...

whether it were angels, or if the bright stars were singing.

It was the singing of the angels, it was the comfort of our Lord."

Words from a poem by Robert Bridges, 1913

Some years ago on Thanksgiving night, I had been working very late in the office. I opened to door to walk home and my breath was taken away as northern lights lit up the sky. I have seen the northern lights dancing in the sky a hundred times before, but nothing compared to these. Honestly, the colors, brightness, and dancing was unmatched by anything I had ever seen in the sky in my life, even in the skies above Disney World! I stood in awe. As I watched, I was struck by the thought of the Shepherds standing in the fields of David outside of Bethlehem, on that first Christmas night. As the heavenly host of angels appeared, it could only have been one of the most awesome and magnificent sights ever to be seen on earth.

As I watched the show in the sky, my thoughts ran back to camp the previous summer and a particular chapel service that anyone who attended will never forget. God's presence came down and filled the air in way I have never experienced before in my life. All who were there were so blessed to be in God's presence. To this day people who were there still talk about that service. I have thought often about that night, why would God choose to bring down his power upon the campers and counselors as He did in that Camp Chapel?

My thoughts then went back to to the Shepherds that first Christmas, a group of people considered lowest on social totem pole, unwanted in town, poor and very much on the outside of the culture and community of the town of Bethlehem. Rabbi's looked at their undisciplined lifestyles in distain, so they where unwanted in the synagogue. History tells us that they where not even considered credible witnesses in the courts of the time, because of peoples perception of them. So why would God announce the birth of Jesus to this group of people? Why would God reach down His hand to those considered the lowest, on the outside of the community of the day?

The people we serve at Camp Daniel are so often unwanted, pushed out of town, poor, uninvited by most churches and typical culture. They are very much the shepherds of our day. My experience among people with disabilities has been that God's presence is powerful when they gather to worship Him. They often have little doubt that God is with us, because His presence is powerful, beautiful and humbling and they experience it on a regular basis.

I will never forget those northern lights in the sky, it will always remind me to be waiting amongst those with no agenda, no religon, and pure hearts. I will never forget that chapel service, as my life was changed that night in the presence of God. Oh God help us to continue to push forward, so the church can see you in a way they have not. Help us to embrace those on the outside who are blessed in their gift to be in your presence.

...Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Preach What You Practice

2009-12-01T14:01:00.010-06:00

"Faith in the hearer is the life of the Word"
Matthew Henry

For unto us was the gospel preached, as well as unto them: but the word preached did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in them that heard it. Hebrews 4:2.

I was with a friend yesterday talking about the ministries I am involved in. He said to me, "Tony, I have always admired that you really practice what you preach". I have heard this before and it bothers me every time I hear it. looking back, I find that the times I have found myself in trouble as a leader has been when my ego inflates enough, that I tell others what to do when I am unwilling to face certain things myself. Many Christians find themselves in trouble as leaders, as missionaries, and as representatives of the Gospel by trying to live up to our own words. It can be near impossible, trying to get others to do what we are not willing to do, and is surely a bad way to lead. So I have tried to live by the standard of preaching what I practice. It sounds nearly the same but it is not.

Preaching what you practice is really a testimony to celebrate what God does through your life. Preaching what you practice is teaching with experience behind it. Preaching what you practice pushes you forward to experience more of God, in order that there is more to preach, preaching what you practice is mixing faith to the Word as it says in Hebrew 4:2. While we always should preach the scripture, it becomes much more effective if we are living out the scripture in faith as we preach it. You see, I cannot do anything unless God does it through me, and if God does it through me and I live it, it then is scripture come alive. It is very effective to preach an alive scripture, alive scripture takes faith to live out. Jesus is scripture come alive, He is the Word and lived all the scripture, and was perfect. While we will never perfect, we must attain to be like Christ, who is the Word. So in the end it is important to preach what we practice, to talk what we walk, to have living faith that is guided by the Word and spoken, yet backed up by that faith God has lived out in us.
LT

Creative Extremists

2009-11-23T09:44:00.005-06:00

"The question is not whether we will be extremists but what kind of extremist will we be. Will we be extremists for hate or will we be extremists for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice-or will we be extremists for the cause of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill, three men were crucified for the same crime - the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. So, after all, maybe the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists"

Martin Luther King

I love this quote. In fact I love just about everything I have ever read that Dr. King ever said. Most of His words are applicable to civil rights, disability rights, the church and to the way we live in America in general. But maybe I like these words because I am an extremist, in some ways I have always been. My parents would get mad at me as a kid as it was one way or another for me. My mom would read a poem to me about Oh Tony, part of it went like this: "when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad... he was horrible" . I remember in high school being at party with a bunch of my friends and it getting out of hand and I may have been one of the instigators. One of my friends got really mad as we all where hiding down the block in some neighbors bushes as the cops broke the party up. He said Tony... your problem is you always push everything right to the edge and your not happy until you push one last time and everything goes right over the cliff!

So there it is, I am an extremist, my gift is my curse, as is it is in most people. Some people are accusing and say you are a perfectionist, or you are never satisfied, or you don't know when to quit, but I have never felt like those accusations fit me just right. I just find it easy to push things along and I want the best, especially when it comes to serving Jesus. The part that Dr. King says that is important is; is to be an creative extremist. There are millions of extremist type people out there but pushing the extreme just like someone else; is really just being a follower and has average outcomes. If you can take extremism and add creativity to it I think there is great outcomes to be had. Look back on history, many creative extremist helped change the world; Dr. King, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Walt Disney, Abe Lincoln. These people all took what they believed in to far, where never satisfied, and did not know when to quit. But the world is not the same because of them. I hope someday to go stumbling into heaven, tired and exhausted, having been working hard for the kingdom. I do not want to shed tears of regret as I walk through the gates over things unfinished or untried, or over people I never told about Jesus, but rather walk in with tears of joy that my Jesus will wipe away.

I challenge all who read this to commit to being creative extremists for Jesus. We are to be like Him, so we must be extremists. I am sure that Dr. Kings family often said, Martin, you shouldn't have said that, or done that or sat there or prayed for them. But I believe millions upon millions are thankful for his extreme vision,views and commitment to the cause of equality for all people. Lets be committed, like Jesus himself the ultimate creative extremist.

Kent

2009-11-07T22:06:00.006-06:00

"A kind loving character is the best tombstone. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble." Charles Spurgeon

Saturday was cousin Kent's memorial service. I was asked to talk a little about him. As I thought about what to say I kept thinking of the days up at the cabin with Tim, Kent and Jeff with Grandma and Grandpa Bruette. Those long summer days where filled with adventure, fun, freedom, love, work and play. My cousins where like older brothers to me and we have shared a bond that goes beyond time, distance or anything measurable. We like to measure things. We get caught up in numbers. We need results in order to calculate success. Kent's life defied those definitions. He was not comparable to other people, he was... well, just Kent.

I don't look back on anything Kent accomplished in the physical world as his legacy. His legacy is in this room and in Cordova Alaska. It is in loving relationships with people. I guess the closest person that I have known like Kent was Grandpa Bruette, a friend to everyone, kind to everyone, willing to help or love anyone. A walking, living, breathing sermon on love and kindness.

As I sifted through memories of Kent, each memory brought me to a place where I laughed or scratched my head. Most memories of Kent I have are like that that though. He often left you scratching your head but he also always left you laughing with a smile on your face.Three random remembrances I had this week are these. Kent laying in the loft in the log cabin and it being 100 degrees and I was laying on top of my covers in my underwear sweating and Kent was in his jeans and sweatshirt underneath one of grandmas wool blankets snoring a way in rhythm with Grandpa who was down below. I remember crawling around the back yard of the cabin picking night crawlers after a two day rain. It was pitch black and quiet except for the occasional yell and curse as Kent had torn every night crawler in half he tried to pick. I remember being about 10 years old, canoeing down the Wolf creek and Kent getting out at a beaver dam and sinking in the muck up to his armpits. As he finally pulled himself back into the canoe he looked at me a said oofda, that was close, if I drowned there you would have had to row all the way back yourself.I have also thought of many, many stories that involved Tim, Kent, Jeff and I that cannot share here as they would be inappropriate!

My last memory I want to share is from the time Kent spent as a missionary in the disabled community in Minneapolis, with Special Force Family Ministry. I believe this time was pivotal for Kent as he came into a loving relationship with Jesus there, and that was a spring board to his time in Alaska. remember going up to visit and Kent was taking care of Al. Al was a wonderful man in his 70's who had CP and used a wheelchair. Al could do nothing physically for him self. He lived in homes his whole life as he needed full care. Al was brilliantly smart and a preacher at heart but was very hard to understand. Al loved God with all he had and was not shy to tell others, Al's main message in life was to have Joy no matter the circumstance, even in the hardest darkest and most painful times that life could bring. In fact the last conversation I had with kent on the phone we talked about Al. Kent expressed to me that Al had allots to do with Kent's acceptance of Jesus into his life. That day, Kent's care for Al was lacking in my mind, Al looked disheveled and messy, a little like Kent himself. I got mad and went in Al's room to tell him not to put up with it. Al got quiet and tearful, and I knew I was in for a scolding. He began to tell me not to be so judgmental, while Kent's care for him was not up to my standard; it was actually above Kent's standard. Al said that Kent took care of him even better than he took care of himself, and that Kent was the most loving a caregiver he ever had.

That was Kent to me, loving, caring, willing to be down in a hole, washing the feet of an old man in a wheelchair. Kent was a man who's standards for love and kindness where more in line with heavens than mine will ever be. Kent, we will miss you. The world is a little less loving with out you here.

Door Openers and Door Keepers

2009-10-19T09:42:00.006-05:00

"We must care enough to not throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.” Arthur Baer

Do you remember the old, epic movie about Noah? Noah had built the ark, being laughed at and taunted all along the way. But when the rains came and and God shut the great door, people began to run to the ark and pound on the walls to get in, crying as they realized they needed to be aboard that ark. As a child that scene was scary to me, but also showed me the importance of the church, being an lifeboat to drowning people, something I have never forgot.

Our church has an incredible ministry called the doorkeepers. Doorkeepers greet people as they enter church on Sundays, get to know the new families, and introduce new people to others in the church and pray with them. It is a big responsibility to help new people adjust and become part of the church family on Sunday mornings and also build relationships with them outside of the church doors throughout the week. Their job is really to be lifeline, pulling people into the safety of the church. I believe it is among the most important ministries within the church. Our church is filled with loving people who find relationship to be very important, yet it takes work to be in those loving relationships. This ministry creates the atmosphere to be able to build these type of relationships. It is, in the end, a way to see people saved and to grow, both new people entering the church for the first time and also for those who do the doorkeeper work, to be stretched as they continually encounter new people, which is scary for many people to do.

I attended a doorkeeper meeting last week, trying to learn more, to be able to bring this needed ministry to other parts of our church I am involved in. As I listened, I began to think about The Noah movie and that scene. The picture I had was of one of Noah's sons helping other family members as the ran onto the ark. This is what the doorkeepers do, help others board the ark. I began to think of my own place in our church family, while I am not officially a doorkeeper I must have their attitude of building relationships at all times. I know I must not function independently of this or any ministry in the church. We must all depend on each others strengths and weaknesses to grow. But if I am not a doorkeeper than what am I? I guess I find myself being more of a dooropener than a doorkeeper. Someone who gets out in front and creates new doors for people to enter and others to keep. I believe churches often get focused on the front doors of the church and forget that people are banging on the walls all around the Church desperate to get in, we just need to make doors for them to come in and have people there to keep those doors and help them in. Many times our attitude is negative, believing we need to find ways just to get people near the ark, but the reality is that people are drowning and are desperately looking for loving relationships which reflect the love of Jesus so they can be saved. If we can create doors, keep the doors, and train new keepers and openers, our church family will grow, each of us more like Jesus, focused on saving some more.

It says in John 9, that our time is limited,the day is coming when we will not be able to save any more, when God will shut the door on the ark. Lets get as many aboard as we can before that day, because its raining now, and people are pounding on our walls. Are we there, ready to throw them a rope and pull them in?

Kathy Stank, is singing with Jesus

2009-08-17T14:48:00.004-05:00

As I prepared to leave for the cabin and a weeks respite with Karol and the kids this morning, we received a phone call. Our very first camper, our friend , our sister; Kathy Stank died yesterday. Kathy had a massive heart attack and died immediately in her room at the nursing home she lived in.

Kathy had impacted so many lives over the last 14 years at Camp Daniel. She above all people I know, was ready to go, she loved Jesus with all her heart. Kathy's father died just 2 weeks ago, and she was unable to come to camp that week. Instead we where able to arrange for her to be at camp last week. Kathy had a wonderful week impacting her counselor, other campers and counselors and all of our staff yet again. Kathy's family is suffering at these two significant losses in such a short time, please pray for them.

Kathy closed our last chapel on Friday night by once again singing the old hymn "Crown of Thorns" which she has sang every year since she began coming to camp in 1997. I will write another entry here later tonight describing her impact on our ministry. We have all been blessed by her love.

The Visitation is at the Rhoades/Charpata Funeral home Thursday afternoon at 1:30 PM with the funeral following at 2:30. Her family has asked me to do her funeral, of which I could not be more proud to do. I ask for your prayer and for you to join us singing the hymns she blessed us by singing each year at camp on Thursday.

Filled...With Joy

2009-08-09T23:09:00.008-05:00

- - the joy of the Lord will make you strong." Nehemiah 8:10b

Each week we press on in the summer, the exhaustion mounts. 6 weeks of hard labor getting the lakefront ready for work groups, shoveling, nailing, moving earth, pouring concrete. Immediately into camps 1 and 2 with only one day off between. Then a week off with 38 youth and workers on the grounds , in our house, and working hard. Then back at camp, we had a day off yesterday afternoon and this morning we began to get ready and counselors and workers here again, on Saturday, we finally can stop for while as Karol, the kids and I head off to our cabin for a week of rest!

I don't tell you this to elicit pity or praise. I tell you this as a back drop to understand what I am going to say. God has changed me, moved me, grown me, and stretched more in the last 11 weeks than he has in the previous 41 weeks since this time last year. Each summer God has done the same in my life, each time I focus on Him, His work, His word, and His direction, He changes my heart. The rest of the year change happens but much less dramatically. Why is that? Is it me, am I different in those times? Does it depend on what I am doing? Am I so tired that cannot resist? I think all of those things are part of it. but I believe the reason more than any is that I am becoming weaker as the days pass by. My defense or my flesh is down, My mind is a bit slower, and my spirit is as open as ever to God's leading, my heart is connected directly to those we are ministering with and to. I know the Bible says that when we are weak He is strong, but rarely do I find myself in the place of real weakness.

I remember when Dan was so weak and sick in his last weeks of life. God shown through him in way we never saw before. As he became weaker and weaker, God's power was more evident in him. Lives where changed in those last weeks, mine included. Jesus, in the weakest position possible as a human; stripped, hanging on the cross, beaten and bloody, changed everything for humankind.

I am told so often from well meaning friends to slow down, pace myself, and don't burn out. I have written before that I want to burn out for Jesus, because I do have faith He will restore my strength. As I empty some of the me, He can fill with some of Him. I am not saying that one should be busy for Jesus, I am saying we should be in His will, doing His work, as hard as we can, as long as we can, as much as we can. That means in every phase of our lives; family, ministry, work, play, rest, whatever. He must be the center in all of those things, one is not separate from the other, it is all Gods work. I know He will work in us, changing us, loving us, helping us, so we can help others change, love, and work for Him. So I write this exhausted, hurting, my heart bleeding, my mind spinning, yet I am filled with joy; joy that God has filled me up with!

"The best is yet to come" -- Uncle Jerry

2009-08-02T10:59:00.003-05:00

“Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do, to achieve what they need to achieve.” --Tom Landry

We are leaving to begin our last 2 weeks of camp this afternoon. I am done with preparation, packing, creating, thinking, and all things necessary to put on a camp. In fact we have had such great help this year that I find my self sitting down just 2 hours before we will leave and waiting to go. God has blessed us over the last several years with new staff, coming on board to missionaries with Camp Daniel.

I have been learning to be a different kind of leader this year, I find in order to be more effective I must give away many things I have done in the past. It has been hard for me, I am hands on, I like to do and fix. It is very necessary to step away from certain things and allow others to do them. I like to lead by example, to experience things I ask others to do. I have had to change my concept on leading and try to define more precisely what I should be doing as leader.

I have been blessed over the last 2 years to part of Living Hope Church. There I have learned much on being a healthy leader in an healthy environment. My Uncle Jerry who is Pastor there, has invested much in me, and my ministry. He has shown me how to lead people instead of leading a ministry. His loving concern for each person that walks in the doors of the church has impacted me greatly, first and foremost he wants to see people saved, and then he works to usher them into becoming God's disciples. He often says, "the best is yet to come", and I wonder if many people in the church really understand what that can mean. For all of us it means change, growth, more of jesus , less of us.

It has taken time for me to adjust to where God is leading. I fight change and growth in myself hard, I have gone through many definitions of what I believe God wants me to be. I have mistepped along the way, but God is gracious and patient in remaking me into what He wants. I know that this refining process will last my lifetime and not until I get to heaven will it make sense. What I have come to terms with though is that it matters little what or where I am doing what I do, all that matters is that I am growing and helping others to grow. I love the quote above, it is a job description for me. I was put on this earth to help others move towards Jesus, pushing , shoving, hugging, encouraging, crying and laughing, what ever it takes. I know we all need to grow and we all need to change and God has provided many tools for that to happen. I know God will use whatever means necessary to get us moving. So this is what I do; stretch my self and stretch others so we can all be a little more like Jesus. That is my calling, this is my mission. I know to be relentless in this task, that is what I believe makes a leader; willingness to grow, change, and become more like Christ. We leave for camp in an hour, for two weeks of change, growth and becoming more like Jesus. I must lead this, so I must grow and change, so I ask for your prayer to be relentless in this pursuit, no matter how hard the change is.

2009-07-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

My good friend Linda Howard is a great blogger and has an entry that I think is worth looking at. Linda has been a minister in the mentally disabled community for many years. Linda and the rest of the ministers at The Special Gathering have been instrumental in my development as a disability Minister. They are among the best at what they do and have lovingly taught many people how to minister. This blog entry is about worship in a setting for people with mental disabilities and is interesting if you have ministered to this group in any way check out this link: http://specialgathering.wordpress.com/2009/07/30/appropriate-worship/ or access it through my blog list to the right.

God has a Plan

2009-07-29T06:37:00.004-05:00

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Helen Howarth Lemmel

I have always spent much time wondering, pondering and thinking about why. I am someone who needs answers, I always have been. As a kid I would badger my parents always asking why. I naturally want to question everything, and have have the "veil of things seen and unseen torn away". I remember singing the words of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus", in a chapel at a camp for people with disabilities so many years ago. How the fog of the world was lifted for the first time and I understood my purpose on earth. How the pain of not knowing why I hurt on the inside melted away as my heart was looking toward heaven instead of my eyes or my brain looking at he world. I am so thankful that others followed the plan God had for their lives, so I had that opportunity and now can offer it to others.

We have just finished the first 2 weeks of Camp Daniel. Almost 300 people participated over those two weeks. Lives where changed, people where saved, and life will never be the same for so many. The last week was hard, as we dealt with issues of abuse that so many campers live with in their homes on a daily basis, Our campers come and have, for many, the very greatest week of their lives and then we send many back into the very worst of situations where they are abused by evil people. Honestly, it is the one thing that trips me up, causes me to lose focus and begin to ask God WHY? I can be in the middle of the most loving, wonderful place on earth, and still get into a funk of sadness, pain, and questioning. At the end of the week it hit me hard, and after our last evening chapel I was brooding over it all and muttering to God about how I never agreed to this when we started out. But a camper saw that I was unhappy and hugged me and told me she was happy, because she got to meet Jesus tonight. As I walked away from that simple moment in tears I realized I had lost focus, that I had let the things of the world once again cloud my vision. I asked God for forgiveness and thanked him for using a person with a disability to once again minister to me and turn my eyes to Jesus.

I look forward to the last two weeks of camp, ready to face whatever God brings to us. My call is clear and simple; to keep my eyes on Jesus and help others to do the same. God has a plan for each of us and all of us, sometimes that plan walks us through a valley, sometimes it has us standing on a mountaintop, but what we see in either of those places should never change, it should always be Jesus we are focused upon.

Expecting Change

2009-07-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

"Vision is seeing tomorrow so powerfully that it shapes today" Walter Wright

It has been weeks since my last Blog. We have been working from almost dawn to dusk everyday for 3 weeks. We have been working the long hours finishing a huge lakefront, and craft cabin project. Tim has been leading crews tearing out and rebuilding the cabin; plumbing, heating, electrical, rough carpentry, finish, etc... and I have led crews tearing apart the acre of earth around it, pouring concrete roads, retaining walls and filling with hundreds of yards of sand and dirt. The project is huge, everyone that comes and sees it thinks we are a little nuts for undertaking it in the weeks before camp. Yet it is easy for me in that, my mind has a firm grasp on what it will become and be used for. That vision God has given us is what makes it possible to work so hard, sacrifice so much and have patience in waiting for the finish to come. His expectation is only seems to be for us to work as hard as we can for Him and embrace the change in our lives that come from it.

Building Camp Daniel has been a long, long fifteen year process. We shape and change the landscape, build buildings, paths, and gardens and know one day it will be used for its full potential of sharing Gods love with thousands of people with disabilities. The grounds have been transformed into a beautiful place showcasing Gods creation. But there is far to go. It takes many people who are willing to sacrifice, willing to give time, money, possessions and sweat on order for it to happen. Each stage of building often depends on finishing the stage before. Some things that need changing or built, are impossible now, but with time will be possible. We just must wait for the right people or tools. With each finished building we rejoice at a finished work, but walk a few feet away to address the next project. Through it all we build a testimony of how God has provided each opportunity, and all we need to do is continue working hard and walking on the path He has us on.

This process has been important in my life to help me see the way God can work, and has worked in me. He sees what we can become, He looks at the coming battles and knows what we need to be in order to face them. He is willing to work with us, stick with us, and shape us. His focus is changing us, giving us the right doses of love that come in the form of embrace, suffering, laughter, pain, and victory. He knows what is best for us, because he knows our purpose, in fact He made us for a purpose and His plan will help us become what He needs us to be. Sometimes it hurts, being bulldozed or rewired can be a hard process, but we must trust God that He knows what He is doing.

As I type I am finding it uncomfortable as my my hands ache from the onset of arthritis and busted knuckles and fingers. My back hurts, my arms are sunburned, and my muscles are achey. But the pains are good pains because they are the pains of change, being broken into what God wants for me. He knows what I am and how I need to change to become more like Him. I have learned to be in expectation, and acceptance of change, growth and remodeling. I look around Camp Daniel and see so much left to do, and I know that there is so much left for God to do in me.

Thank you Father God for the work you invest in me, to change me, remodel me. I ask for the help I need to do the same for you here at Camp Daniel, so others may know your life changing love and your plan for their lives.

Attack!

2009-06-04T23:41:00.004-05:00

This week part of our Missionary family has been on a missions trip with another ministry who has camps for people with disabilities in NW Minnesota. Tim and Marceaux are being caregivers to two young men with both physical and mental disabilities. John, Jen and I are speakers in a chapel service for about 40 campers. This camp has two separate chapels for people with higher and lower cognitive levels. Our chapel is for those with a lower cognitive level.

We must teach in different ways to reach their learning level and social level. We are forced to be slower in our delivery, and simpler in our teaching. We must use very concrete illustrations and make sure to have only one point we teach in each lesson. Our songs are sung slower, with fewer words, and with simpler melodies. All of the people that are in our chapels are adults so we walk a fine line of not ever wanting to be demeaning with child type teachings or songs. So it is a great exercise for us to really plan allot, think allot and work together to minister to a group that is always overlooked.

There are no discipleship materials for this group, no websites to look up bible studies, or even books to help us to teach a group of people very hungry for Jesus. We must create each lesson, trying to lean on a little bit of experience we do have. Almost all of the group does not attend church, mainly because they simply do not fit into any class, structure, group, or ministry that currently exists in any church. Yet each person in this group has made a decision for Jesus over the years at this camp.

This group of people are gifted by God with gifts not always seen in the church; they have expressed an unconditional love and acceptance. They have not tried in any way to hide their feelings, their good or bad behaviors, or their intentions from us , each other, or their caregivers; they are honest. They show us Jesus in way few ever get o experience.

So how is it that a group of people so full of gifts and love are not using their gifts in corporate worship, discipleship and outreach in any church? I have spent many years trying to understand, and have spent many years hurting for this group. One of the things that has become obvious in our ministry is that a group such as this, understands the concept of being forsaken. Yes forsaken, you know, it is what Jesus experienced on the cross from God. I have no concept of it, I cannot relate: I am loved, I have been adored, I have been accepted, I have been given every earthly blessing and have had every need filled. Those who sit in our chapel understand it though.

Tim's camper Curt has expressed it this week. Generally he doesn't talk, usually no one cares, always he is shunned, yet this week he speaks, this week he communicates, because some one loves him. What a blessing to walk with someone who has such a connection to the cross, someone who relates to how Jesus was rejected; for us. That is power, that is God working.

So you ask what am I saying here? is Curt only valuable because he hurts and is rejected? No I am saying Curt is a child of God, Just like me, and he has gifts, just like me. But he is so important to the church because he loves, even if he is not loved by others. Because he has only good intentions and does not want to hurt anyone, even though he has been so hurt. He is honest even though he is lied to, he is accepting even though he has been rejected. those are real gifts, powerful gifts the church cannot be without. I Come with the baggage that can say don't love because others have not loved me how they should, don't give because others have taken, don't be honest because everyone lies.

Father God help us to find people like this who know you in ways we cannot begin to understand, and help them use their gifts to reveal you in all your incredible glory. If the gates of hell are to be attacked, than the church needs to have its full arsenal.

Walking Through the Brush

2009-05-27T09:04:00.002-05:00

I remember as young boy, spending summers with my grandparents in Upper Michigan. I loved to fish for trout on the streams with my grandpa. We would often walk several miles back into the woods, on what had long ago, been a rail road track or logging trail. I could never tell where we were, where we were going, and If something happened to grandpa, we would both die because there was no chance of me finding the way home. The only thing for me to do was to stick close and follow Him, because he knew where we where going, he knew the signs to look for that kept us on track. Sometimes we would walk through a swamp, or brush so thick it could tear your clothes, sometimes we walked in tree plantations, free from underbrush, and sometimes we walked in open fields where lumberjacks used to plant potatoes. Grandpas pace never changed, he moved forward swiftly, it was up to me to keep up, even at 7 or 8 years old. But, I trusted Him to the fullest degree, I knew he would get us to a stream full of trout. The conformation would come as the woods would open up and a beautiful stream would appear, that few had fished, ever!

The last weeks of ministry has confirmed to me to continue on a path. I believe I have been assured that where we are walking and working, is where God wants us to be... right now. Does that shock you? The idea that I am leading a ministry that has existed for 13 years and I am expressing this now? That has been the way of it for the entire 13 years; steps of faith, moving towards what we believe God is pointing to. Then comes a confirmation, yes, this is it, keep at it. Some say that is to haphazard, some say it could lead to many mistakes, some have said its just to much to think about so forget it, some ask, what if we fail, some ask, how do you know? All of these are valid questions, yet in working for Jesus, non of these things matter.

I have a very small measure of faith, but I don't think think the faith I have is in what I hear most people at church talking about. My faith looks a little like this: I believe God loves me and He is always good. I believe He has a plan for me. I believe He wants me to be like Christ. I believe He will give me opportunity to grow towards Christ. All I have to do is embrace the circumstance He brings each day, even if it something I don't think I want. Somedays its a hug, somedays a spank, somedays its a gift, somedays its a fight, somedays it hurts bad, somedays it feels great. But that is the way of love, and knowing God loves me makes it all ok. Do I complain, of course! I am a whiner. Do I want it to be different at times, yes. But every time as I turn back to look what He did, it was good for me. That is where my faith is, in that God loves me and wants what's best for me eternally.

God has supplied every need and want we have had over the last 13 years, and we are so undeserving. Thats the beauty of it all, His ways are not ours, He loves us no matter what. We will screw it up, because we are fallin, no good, love rejecting human beings. But, we must try our best to follow His lead and embrace what He brings.

My theology is to simple for most, but I am simple. It is not a license to do anything I want, but rather a license to embrace anything God brings along. It mostly seems to be a matter of praying for courage and allowing that courage to grow in us. Following Christ is not easy, His pace is quick, He walks us through thick woods at times, but He knows where He taking us is good and that it is worth every step. I look forward to the day when those thick woods clear and we come to that beautiful place where God embraces us and Jesus says, see how wonderful and beautiful, I told you it was worth the walk. I can hardly wait to find Grandpa, on a stream, fishing, I will hug him and thank him for the lessons he gave me walking to a stream.

The greatest preacher I ever met

2009-05-21T07:55:00.006-05:00

15 years ago God allowed me to be a counselor at a camp for people with disabilities. I was given a week to spend with David. David is a man who is my age and lives in Minnesota with his loving Christian family. David has Down Syndrome, which has given him a mental disability. Dave prayed for me, with me, one night at camp, long after chapel had finished, and then gave me a two word sermon that are the most profound words I have ever heard. In fact, those two words completely changed my life, and I may think of those words every single day still 15 years later. That night, an hour after chapel ended, Dave led me to the alter, pushed my head down in reverence to his king, and said two words... "More Jesus". Wow. I shutter just typing it. More Jesus, that should be my prayer, that should be my goal, that should be my message. Dave gets it.

So how do I explain that the most profound sermon I ever heard, the most life changing moment in my life came as God worked through a man the world does not want to see born, that society marks with no value or worth, that is rejected in most churches because he could not take a spiritual gifts test even if he wanted to??? I only have two words to answer that... "More Jesus". In fact I have discovered that is the answer to every question, to every problem, to every situation... more Jesus.

My hearts passion burns for people with disabilities for a few reasons, but mainly because of that experience. Oh how I hurt, because the church misses out on how God uses men and women just like David to change lives. That evening has given me more tools than 15 years of ministry experience, 40 years of being a Christian, daily walking with incredible saints who pour their wisdom into me, than my bible college degree all put together. David uttered the wisest, most loving, most incredible words, not from the pages of a best selling book, not from a shiny acrylic pulpit, but with his head bowed in that dark chapel, in total reverence to His king. I must stop writing now because retelling what God did for me through David, makes me sob, and I cannot type anymore.

Father God, help me... give me more of you and less of my ego, more of you and less of my plans, more of you and less of knowledge, more of you and less of my pain, more of you and less of my ... __________ just fill in the blank.

My Moms a Warrior

2009-05-12T07:48:00.004-05:00

Mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
--- Dorothy Fisher

I began this post on Mothers Day, and did not finish it, so today I posted it a few days late!

Most people would not know it, but my mom is a warrior. In fact, the women in our family tend to be warriors. I have been blessed beyond what I can express to you, with a family that loves God and has encouraged, impacted and helped keep me on the right path towards God. My mom has been and is essential to me being what God wants me to be. She has given up much for her children, she has sacrificed her own needs, wants and life throughout her adult life for us. She has followed God into each circumstance He has created with willingness and faithfulness.

As a young woman she gave my brother Steve to a family in adoption. Steve grew up in loving Christian home, and while we only met a few years ago he has traits that would be recognizable as my brother. Many mothers abort and snuff out a life that God created. My mom endured the pain, and it taught us all the power of prayer as she was relentless in her prayer for him, which God honored, as we found out when Steve found us and shared His story.

My mom then had me, my sister Lora and then my brother Dan. Dan 's disability made her into a caregiver and nurse 24 hours a day. Her commitment to Dans care was beyond what words can describe, Dan lived the long 22 years he did, because of her vigilance. When Dan pursued his call into ministry, mom was right there, also in ministry, being his driver, roady, caregiver, and agent and never stopping being mom. When Dan died, she grieved and the pain was more than a mother deserves, yet she cared for her children's grief as much as her own. As my sister Lora pursued her calling as a mother in foster care and adoption, my mom has been right at her side every step of the way, helping, loving and mothering. When we began Camp Daniel, I know mom could have looked toward retirement and rest, but she willingly followed as God took us to Athelstane to begin this work.

I have never known loneliness, or what it is like not to be supported and loved. I have never known what it is like to not have someone praying for me, I have never been in the trench of the battle by myself, my mom has always been right there, ready to charge. Nothing is ever to bad or hard as I know she is there, praying and prodding me to be the best I can be for God. She is a warrior, as was her mother before her. As I said before, the women in our family are just that, warriors, My sister, my aunts, my cousins, they are warriors for Jesus.

Father God I thank you for my mom, I thank you for her gift of being faithful to you in every circumstance. I thank you for her love which has allowed me to understand just a little how much you must love us. Help me to be a warrior, like my mom.

The Sweet Spot

2009-04-24T15:38:00.016-05:00

“In His splendid discontent, God made the world.” --Ela Wheeeler Wilcox

I come from a long line of people who tend to see life from the negative side, we ussually think with negative minds. It is a curse to think in that way, as I am rarely satisfied with things as they are. Over the last few years I have realized that my negativeness has a positive and negative side. Some of what would seem negative, stems from a discontenet that swells from my heart. These last few years God has helped me become very aware of the negativeness of my mind , but has also shown light upon a discontent of my soul. this discontent , I believe, is a good thing God has given to help me serve Him.

The negativeness of my mind is flesh problem, wrapped in ego, pain, and selfishness. It is something I must be constantly vigilant in dealing with, consistently praying for help in and always looking for accountability to guard against it.

The discontent of my soul is usually the sign I need to push ahead with an action or decision for God. It is what compels me to action as I can no longer stand to see things go as they are going. I must be tireless in understanding God's direction by listening to others, reading my Bible, and praying for help.

The battle comes as both voices in my heart and in my head, can be loud. I must be able to recognize the difference in these voices if I am to an effective servant for Jesus. If I ere on the negative side I become a sullen, jaded, angry man with depression nipping at my heals. I have often been that man, and have had to climb out of that pit many, many times. Every day I must be vigilant, and yet still I think I lose the battle more than I win.

The discontent of my soul is sweet spot, it is when I feel most connected to God, and the more I am in that place the easier it is to hear that voice. The discontent of my soul is also a painful place, where hurt occurs, where refining is happening. That is where I need to be, where God can grow me. The negativness of my mind is stunting, it is water on the refining process that makes my heart brittle and hard.

I tend to be someone who is often looking at a picture off in the future. The picture that God has given me of where I stand many years from now scares me. I feel unequipped to be the man I see off in the distance, doing what he is doing. So I must grab on to those things that cause me holy discontent, as those are the places of change where God works to make us into usable clay. I want to be His vessel, I want to molded into what he wants. But the devil is always close, waiting to knock me off of God's potters wheel. What a jerk that devil is, God surely could have done better in dealing with that...there I go again, with my negative mind. O God help me hear your voice, give a discontented heart that crys out to you.

God Loves you, God made you, God has a plan for your life

2009-04-22T10:28:00.003-05:00

Christ wants not nibblers of the possible, but grabbers of the impossible." -- C.T. Studd
At the heart of what we do in the many ministries of Camp Daniel, is our belief that people with mental disabilities are created for a purpose by a loving God, who is good all the time. It is the basis for all our ministry and we believe it is essential to teach these truths for the mentally disabled community to even to begin to grasp the God they need to accept, love, and believe in. Historically, people with disabilities have been shunned by the church and the world. Bad Church theologies have existed right from the Day of Jesus when we are told the story of the man born blind in John 9. Prevailing theology seemed to be this man had sinned or his parents because he was blind. Jesus dispelled this immediately expressing that God made this man and his blindness in order for Gods work to get done. This man whom was saved that day experienced Gods power, and was used to witness to the Pharisees.
So here is my synopsis of that story: A man who has a disability meets Jesus, Jesus is doing Gods work, so Gods power is displayed, man is saved, man immediately becomes a missionary going to the Pharisees and witnessing to them. Man is Jesus' inspiration to say that we must be doing God's work, or be missionaries, while we can.
That is powerful, that is exciting, that is our ministry. Raising up ministers and missionaries amongst the culture of mental disability in order that people would get saved. This is a seemingly overwhelming idea, some say impossible, where do we start?
People with mental disabilities have been put in place to believe that God has made a mistake in creating them, or because of sin, they are created faulty. How do we teach those who have this experience, that the God who screwed up, or the God that allowed them to have their “condition” really loves them as much as someone who is seemingly more “like” God in most theologies? We teach that everyone is purposely made, that we are all made in God’s image, and like Moses, who questioned God’s plan, that we must accept God’s assurance that He is in control and has a plan for us. Some deaf, some blind, some talking, some not, but all are parts of the body that God uses to for His purpose.
So our first step is to create situations where the truth is being peached. Letting people with mental disabilities know God loves them, by the church loving them. The next phase is to bring people to the feet of their creator so they can be saved and accept that God made them just as they are. Thirdly we must instruct people that they are disciples and that Gods purpose is for all people, to share the gospel and see others saved.
The body is not full unless all the parts are present, I ask that if you read this you would commit with me to making sure the body is full, because as long as the devil keeps us divided we will not experience God's power as He has intended in the church.

God lives under the bed!

2009-04-14T12:25:00.005-05:00

April 10th is National Sibs Day every year. I know they have a day for everything these days, but the fact that it is on Dans birthday is incredibly meaningful for my sister and I. Being a sibling of a brother or sister with a disability is an incredibly unique experience. I have a kinship with most other people who grew up in this circumstance. We deal with many of the same issues, have allot of the same takes on life, and the statistics show overwhelmingly that sibs will spend their lives in the fields that are service orientated like teaching, nursing, social work, working for non-profits and in ministry. I wonder why at times because most of us seem to have issues with the time our parents dedicated to us, having to care give as kids, worrying about things kids shouldn't have to, guilt, control. All things I would think would lead us to places of where these issues would not be present. Yet it is the opposite. I believe that weakness and dependence are two major factors, two qualities God wants from us and many of our sibs have because of life's circumstance. We grew up being taught living lessons of service, faith, hope, love, dependance, and loss of control. Not to say we are better than anyone, I am just saying we have been blessed by the gift of disability. Below is an email forward I received for Sibs Day, it explains some from a sibs perspective on a lesson learned from their brother Kevin.

I envy my brother, Kevin, who thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'
Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, with a mental disablity as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he acts as an adult. He reasons and communicates likea 7-year-old would, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. He does not seem dissatisfied.
He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores. And Saturdays - oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go! ' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.He doesn't know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be. His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure. He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.
Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child.

Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion. In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.
It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care. Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed. Kevin won't be surprised at all!

Happy Birthday Dan

2009-04-10T23:41:00.008-05:00

Today it is April 10th. For most people just another day, this year April 10th is Good Friday. For my family it is a day that I believe keeps us all remembering and mildly sad. April 10th was my brother Dan's birthday. For many years after he died we sent cards to each other on this day. Eventually we stopped, because it seemed less to do with grieving and more to do with habit. But this day always is one I know is coming and like to see going. This week I have been remembering allot about those days growing up. Recently several of our friends with kids with disabilities have had to spend time in the hospital. Hospitals always make me think of Dan and my family.

We did spend allot of time at Children's Hospital in Chicago. On one hand it seemed to be the most hellish place on earth to me. Kids sick, dying. Parents hurting and crying. Brothers and sisters trying to make sense of the fear, hurt, worry, stress, love, tears and hugs. But on the other hand I know that was where I learned to know God. I remember always having to walk through the ER after hours to get into the hospital. Walking amongst those families with kids crying, I remember finding a quiet corner and wanting to be so angry that so many people where so sad and hurting. I remember the baby boy in the intensive care room next to Dan's that no one came to visit. I remember the morning after that baby boy died, crying in the waiting room bathroom because it seemed so unfair that no one was there to love him. I remember my mom so fatigued and sick after so many sleepless nights on the intensive care chair/bed at Dans side that she stumbled when she walked. I remember being so scared as I shut the door on her bedroom that night after I looked in on her when she came home. I remember standing in the hall outside Dans room as we left to go home for the night with Dad, and hugging my mom and feeling her sobs of sadness that Dan was so sick. I remember sobbing in my bed that night as I wondered if Dan would die, or if my mom would die because she seemed to hurt so bad.

But I also remember spending time in Dan's hospital room watching movies, talking, just hanging out with our family. Sometimes we would get Chicago pizza, or snacks. Sometimes we would goof off and try to scare the nurses. Those where moments most families don't understand, in the middle of the crisis, the middle of the battle, in the middle of suffering and heartache there was peace,love and always time for our family. It was secure, loving, never rushed and no one had anything better to do. Those moments when life in the outside world stopped abruptly and all that mattered was each other.

This may sound stupid, but Oh how I wish to be sitting in that intensive care room now. With beeps, and buttons, equipment, doctors and nurses in and out, Dan in his iron lung right in the middle of it all and our family gathered round, watching the Cubs game and eating pizza. Those days in the hospital have shaped my life, my belief. It was where I first sensed the God I was learning about in Sunday School and Children's Church. In the calm of the storm, the peace in the intensive care room... I knew God was there with us. It made sense to me then. So now As I try to search out that peace and calm that only God can bring, I find it in Camp, in the hectic pace, extreme heat, suffering people, the long days, short nights, worry, the tears, the loving embraces.

So how can it be the place I hate the most is place I love the most? It makes sense only if I know the first will be last, the poor will be rich, that I must die to have life. God's ways are not our ways, why is that so hard to embrace?

Bethany

2009-04-03T09:18:00.006-05:00

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer."

Albert Calmus

It has always been interesting to me that Jesus spent His down time, his rest time, in the town of Bethany. Jesus' friends lived there, people he could relax around, people who seemed to want nothing from him except to listen to him, feed him.

The name Bethany, is translated to be House of Suffering. The people who lived in this little community just two miles outside of Jerusalem where there because they where suffering, they where sick, dying, and hurting. Those unwanted, unclean, with out value to the Jerusalem community would live there or be sent there. Lazerus died there, with some kind of sickness, Jesus hung out at Simon the Lepers house. Many, many times the Bible refers to Jesus spending his nights in Bethany. In fact I cannot recall right now that the Bible says Jesus ever spent a night in Jerusalem during His ministry, except to be beaten and killed, in other words to suffer himself.

The incredible power to bring life to the dead happened there, Jesus spent his last days before going to his death there, he ascended to heaven there. Why so much power in a place of so much suffering, why would Jesus choose to be with this community of people regularly?

I have no particular Bibical answer. I can only say that I understand why this was, I know the draw to that place. The people there had extreme faith in Gods power, they loved Jesus, they listened to Jesus, they served Jesus. Those are the people I love to be with, those are the people who have taught me most of what I know about love, compassion, faith, prayer, honesty, humbleness, serving, and grace. In this community I have seen God's power active in ways I have never seen anywhere else. The spiritual giants in my life have come from this community. What was their common denominator... suffering.I so badly want people to know that a church body cannot be full without this element. We need those who know suffering to be with us. During this Easter season we celebrate our freedom, our victory, our life that was wrought in suffering and rejection, humbleness and love, through the cross. As we celebrate lets commit to those Jesus loved enough to call his friends through his time, actions and power. If we want the church to be all it can be, we must take a walk outside the golden palace walls, to the foot of the mountain, to a place like Bethany and embrace those with leprosy, sickness, and suffering, just like Jesus did.

The Able Attack

2009-04-01T16:20:00.005-05:00

Just an announcement:

The Able Church's Special Olympic Basketball Team, The Attack, has made it to the State Finals. They will be playing at 10:00 AM Saturday, April 4th in the semifinals for division 6. If they win they will play for the Gold Medal at 11:30 AM Sunday morning. If they lose they will play for the bronze on Saturday afternoon at 3:30. The games take place at The University of WI in Oshkosh. Come join the cheering section from Camp Daniel. Blue and White Able Attack

T- shirts are available for $16 to support the team.

The Attack took 2nd place in their division winning the silver medal. They are happy.

Does Jesus Love Someone Like me?

2009-03-30T22:14:00.012-05:00

I am nine years old. I don't really know any other kid like me. It takes me awhile to figure things out... like when I go swimming I forget not to go in too deep, or when I eat dinner I should use my fork I instead of my fingers. I don't know how to tie my shoes yet or how to tell time. I don't play Little League because the ball comes too fast for me. I don't take summer art classes because when the rest of the class is done with their painting, I'm still figuring out what color to use. At church, I sit by my Mom instead of going to Sunday School. I don't know how to read yet so I can't participate in the Bible verse finding contests, and when the room gets so loud with the other kids' excitement, I sometimes cover my ears and cry. My mom doesn't mind me sitting by her because we spend all of our time together. She says it's okay if I don't have friends at school because she is my friend. Kids at my school are okay, but they don't like to be my partner because they can't always understan I d the way I talk. Usually, a teacher will be my partner or I'll just color at my desk while the other kids work on skits or projects together. Sometimes my mom looks sad because she can't go to the ladies activities at church since she has to take care of me. She says she is not sad, but I hear her let out a big breath like she does when I spill my milk all the time. The other kids at church go to Superkids Camp and say it is the best week of the year. I can't go to that camp. My mom told me about this other camp where I could go and do all the things I seem to miss out on. I can go swimming and someone will swim right next to me to remind me not to go too deep. I can make crafts and take as much time as I want. I can be in a contest and act really silly. I can even play volleyball with a beach ball so I won't be scared of getting hurt. She said the best part is that for the whole week someone will teach me about Jesus. I'll get to sing songs over many times so that I have a chance to learn the words. I'll hear stories that will be about things that I can understand. I'll even get a chance to show others I love Jesus by playing an instrument during worship or being a part of a skit where I don't have to remember any lines. I was so excited when my Mom told me about the camp! I asked if I could go, and she said only if another person volunteered to go, too... to make sure I had someone to hang out with, to help me if I had any problems or got scared, to pray with me at night when she wasn't there at bedtime. I hope someone might want to come with me. I'm trying not to get too excited now, because my mom says a lot of people don't want to give up a week of their time. I heard her talking to my Aunt on the phone. If I go to camp, my mom is going to drive to my Aunt's house for a visit. I heard her say she just needs some rest and relaxation. Sounds boring to me... I'd much rather go to camp! I'm praying to Jesus right now for someone to want to go with me even though I'm different. I wonder if Jesus can understand kids like me? I wonder if Jesus cares about a kid like me?

My sister Lora wrote this post for facebook. God has gifted her as an amazing writer and she loves people with disabilities. Lora and Jason have adopted 5 kids with disabilities as well as having their own four kids. We get alot of props for what we do undeservingly. Lora and Jason deserve an incredible amount of credit, but get little.

2009-03-30T17:26:00.002-05:00

Everybody needs to see this video... awesome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2CaBR3z85c

2009-03-29T07:33:00.006-05:00

My friends James and Jill sent the below link to me and we all should look at it. First is the ridiculous article and then there is a great response to the ridiculous article, it really shows how insane the argument for aborting babies that have disabilities. What is so bothersome is that so many people fall in line with this argument that Minette uses of judging someones worth and therefore their argument for being alive. I will say over and over, the church is the only hope for us, it is the only beacon of hope to save people God made. We need them as much as we need our pastor, our deacons, our mom, or anyone else, without them the body is not full. It is urgent, we cannot afford to battle in the age that is coming without the full body and all gifts that exist there. My point is only one point in reasoning to stop the murder of innocents. Thanks James and Jill for keeping us posted on this incredible ignorance that exists out there, I love you guys.

Read THIS fist:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/minette_marrin/article5258348.ece?Submitted=true

but before you get REALLY upset...read THIS:

http://timesonline.typepad.com/india_knight/

(look for the comment dated November 30th)

A ranting reaction

2009-03-21T09:21:00.017-05:00

"It is a mistake always to contemplate the good and ignore the evil, because by making people neglectful it lets in disaster. There is a dangerous optimism of ignorance and indifference." --Helen Keller

I began yesterday by writing a long, long post on the heals of president Obama's ignorant comment on the Tonight Show. I took the night to think and have decided to break up the post into several posts because my response was to much and to angry for just one post. So here is my first post - a reaction to the comments of and the reaction to, the Presidents words. I tend not to be political, and I don't believe the presidents comments have any thing to do with politics, they have to do with ignorance.

I thought twice about posting my disgust with this, but I want to keep this blog honest so I will speak the truth of my heart, or maybe better put, the ranting truth of my heart. So here it goes:

The President called his inept bowling "Like Special Olympics" On the Tonight Show. A simple slip up some say, but I say the fruit of stupid talk that must ensue more places than on national TV. Radio show hosts and the like have already spun it into a political debate, with out care for anyone who has a disability. Tim Shriver, president of the Special Olympics has embraced the Presidents "moving" apology, saying the President did not intend to humiliate this population. He spoke on the news this morning about making sure we talk about people with special needs in "an affirming way"?? In his apology Mr. Obama spoke how the Special Olympics are a triumph of human spriit??? Already a solution for the whole issue has already been decided... The President will get a great photo op, bowling with our reining Special Olympic bowling champion, showing just how much he cares for people with disabilities. The term has already entered slang dictionaries on the web, which will certainly add to the cutting use of the word "retard" heard regularly in any public square. Even if it was just a slip of the tongue, when the most powerful man in the world today says something it becomes a powerful statement. It leads people to a view of people with mental disabilities being bad, untalented, uncoordinated, unathletic, not normal or just plain negative, and that is the least of the damage.

So lets speak to the truth of this, people with disabilities are more threatened now than ever. New policies and the lack of any moral standard has and will wipe out many people before they get to be born and makes it hard for them to live if they are born. People with mental disabilities function in a system we have set up for them. It is designed to simulate the freedoms of real life but in an controlled environment, where they are numbered, funded, and controlled. They go through schools where IEP's falsely address issues that students deal with, In school they learn to be independent and live with rights. Eventually they get out into the real world; a job in a workshop (sorting nuts and bolts for 25 years), saturday night disability dances (aint it cute), Special Olympics (everybody's a winner), and meetings of Handicapped United (they need a voice) and other made up nonsense. Don't get me wrong, there is much good (people and programs) within any of these institutions, but if you look closely they are set up as simulations of what (normal) people feel, looks like real life. Where is the church in all of this? Some are doing compassionate ministry to "the least of these", others are putting them up on angelic pedestals of proof of God's love through healing, overcoming or childlike faith, many still believe disability is the result of sin, and still others seem to ignore them totally. (Again don't get me wrong there is much good going on in a few churches, but look closely and most of the christian world, but they have no idea what to do with disability). So in the end the church is silent to the real need and cruises along without them

We live in a time when it is totally acceptable to reduce a people group to those "we need to speak about in an affirming way". In other words our attitudes, hatefulness and bad intentions should always be covered by sweet words of compassion. The reality is that those in power believe those who have disabilities are a monstrously horrible group that is a drain on society and need to be eliminated even before birth, and thats OK as long as you smile, say affirming words and pat heads when you do it. Meanwhile most people of the world may not agree with that, but we sit by and do nothing so the elimination of this group continues.

There is only one place this advance of evil doing can be stopped, it is the church. We must stand up and realize we must protect those with disabilities. We need them, Our body is not full with out them and will never be full if they do not exist. We live in a time where the "dangerous optimism of ignorance and indifference will lead to disaster", disaster we will shed tears about as we enter heaven having failed to see a gift God had given us ...disability

Depricating?

2009-03-18T15:46:00.012-05:00

"It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong, than to be always right by having no ideas at all." -- Edward DeBono

Responses to my blogging have come, some here on this page, some in person, but mostly on the phone and email. One response from a friend expressed that my blog's name (Little Tony's Blog) lacked creativity . So not wanting to be accused of having a lack of creativity I have responded with a new name. I changed it to "Little Tony's Little Thoughts", this seemed boring as well, so I decided upon "The Bantum Blogotorium" it seemed to fit. I am sure responses will now come about the new stupid name I have chosen!

I do not mind being called stupid but do not like being called uncreative or pointed at as having a lack of ideas! This brings me to my second thought this morning, people tell me that I am self deprecating. I thought that had something to do with going to the bathroom in my pants when I heard it, but after looking it up, it means: "I undervalue myself and my talents". So for the sake of keeping this blog honest, I will respond to this!

For public record: I do believe I have gifts and talents; God made me creative, imaginative, unafraid and He gave me the ability to transfer to paper what I see in my mind. Those are my gifts, my talents. Beyond that I am better at some things than others, but nothing in particular stands out as true talent.

When I talk about being average, it is not meant to be self deprecating, it is meant to be truth. I have always felt the need to sniff out truth, It is why I drove my parents crazy asking "why?" all the time growing up. I believe when we overvalue ourselves it hurts others, as expressed in my blog entry below. So I believe we should use our gifts to their fullest potential, but never use our gifts as an excuse to not do something else God has put in our path.

Whatever gifts any of us have, are given for a purpose: God's glory. I have tried to be disciplined and deliberate in giving God the glory since we have been in ministry. The truth is that God is the creative genius behind anything that Camp Daniel has accomplished, but... my giant, inflated ego could easily take credit, "success is an intoxicant" as it says in my blog entry below. Our flesh is capable of things we cannot imagine. I have witnessed great men of God brought to their knees as God has dealt with their flesh. Whatever gifts or talents we may have are gifts from God, whatever we do with them are my gift back to Him.

This blog entry may come under the heading of being "an idea gone wrong", but it's my blog, so as DeBono says, "its better than no idea at all".

Really I wrote all that just to say I changed the name of my blog, what does that say about me??

Trust

2009-03-15T21:54:00.009-05:00

"If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" David Livingstone

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word,

just to rest upon his promise, and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him, How I've proved him o'er and o'er,

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, O for grace to trust him more

"You are so wonderful to make such a sacrifice being in ministry and doing what you do"... Oh how I cringe at statements like that. We hear things like this often as we tour people around our campus and share the testimony of our ministry. I struggle as people try to make us out as some kind of hero's for being in ministry. I try to let people know we are incredibly average people in in skills, talents, gifts, beliefs and faith among many other things. Our desire is to serve at that feet of the almighty God and honestly, I question whether I am even worthy of that.

I think we often shield ourselves from being servants by lifting others up to a place we know we cannot be in... or if it takes a particular talent to do the things God asks us to do in the Bible, then maybe we can be exempt if He has not given us that gift. My prayer for all of us is that we put ourselves in a place to to learn to trust God and His word, and usually that happens way out on a limb, where we we are uncomfortable and scared and in total need of God's grace.

I again, here, will express that all we have is a willingness to do whatever God sets in front of us and that willingness is based in trust. Not faith, (something I will talk about in the future), but trust. My most favorite song in the world is written above. Just typing out the words here brings me to tears, because it simply and beautifully expresses all I hope to be in Him, a man who trusts.

Questions?

2009-03-08T16:43:00.024-05:00

"God will not look to see your medals, degrees or awards, He will look for your scars"

Elbert Hubbard

I am a missionary amongst people who know suffering, people who know rejection and pain, people who have scars. People with disabilities are by far the most marginalized and rejected group of people the world knows today. Why, why are the most innocent, loving people in the world the most hated...

I often wonder why it is that Jesus came back from the dead with scars. Most would say simply that he had scars to show who He was. The disciples did not recognize Him as the risen Jesus, but they knew His scars, because they knew His suffering. Was it possible for Him to be bruttalized like he was and not be disabled in any way? Isaiah says about Jesus: "... There were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured, beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness" Why, why was the most innocent loving man there ever was in the history of the world, also was the most hated?

Work

2009-03-03T23:27:00.010-06:00

"If the Great Commission is true, our plans are not too big; they are too small." -- Pat Morley

I took some people on a tour of Camp Daniel the other day, after we finished, they commented on the size of our vision being so big, and how it must be hard to carry something so big. The vision is for a campground, retreat, training and housing center that is a backbone for a ministry that sends out missionaries, builds churches and ministries in order to save people with disabilities and allow God use the gifts He has given them to do the same. We would like to have training materials, ministry tools, bible translations and the ability to get others started in creative ministries of their own. These things are all happening in one form or another and we intend to push ahead as God directs towards what He has set before us. What makes it all possible is that we do not carry this big vision, God does!

What has transpired at Camp Daniel and through the ministry at Camp Daniel is a miracle. As I tour people around our campus I repeat the same stories over and over probably hundreds of times each year adding what is new as it transpires. But I as retell and relive those miracles, I often can still be brought to tears at the magnitude of what God has done and is doing. I know that it has only been by God's grace that this has happened. He gave us a commission and our response has been simple, to work. There is no great theology, talent, or gift behind anything that has happened. God speaks and we work. Please do not get me wrong, I am not dumbing down what God has done, I just want to express the burning of my heart. I hear much of gifts and working with in them, and about not burning out and about getting rest and about doing one simple thing well and not being spread to thin. My response is that I hope to be in the midst of ministry outside of my giftings... so I may rely on Him, I pray I burn out for Jesus... so He will reignite me, I look to get spread thin... so He can send others to help.

One of my best friends, Pastor Tom St. Angelo, often told me to see a vision so big only God could carry it. That, I believe is the key. God has put us here to do His work, He guides us, directs us, gives us the tools and all we need. In return we get closer to Him and eventually get to be with Him.

Success?

2009-02-09T12:41:00.007-06:00

"Success is an intoxicant, seldom does being intoxicated lead to further success"

I have long been a Fan of Walt Disney, he was a creative genius. His ability to get others on board with his level of creativity to build great things, was his legacy. He left behind a company that still strives to meet his expectations even though he has been dead for 40 years. He saw much success in his life, but he was always willing to wager all he had done already, on what he was doing next. He easily could have been satisfied at any point in his life, with what he had created, yet he wasn't. He could have went into protection mode, living from any given success for lifetime, but he chose to strive to create something better. Success in whatever we do is usually just saying we have lived up to or surpassed someone elses barometer. It is said "someone sets the bar, everyone else tries to live up to it". As Christians I don't believe we should ever be OK living up to someone elses bar. We are children of the Almighty King, the creator of those who create. He gives us all we need to do anything for Him that can be dreamed, all we need to do is ask. So many believe that God has given us vision in order to work towards and then finish a task and that finish, becomes success. I believe we are given vision so we can strive towards a goal so lofty only God can see it through and in the process our walk with Him grows in way not possible otherwise. So we should always be striving towards something for Him so we can grow. That is success... growth in our relationship with God. So as leaders we should always be leading those around us to a place of growth, this means that we must also be in that place. Let's not be intoxicated by a thing we achieve, but by the growth that happens as we creatively work out Gods plan for our lives.

Vision?

2009-02-07T02:07:00.008-06:00

"If I have seen further than others it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants"

-Issac Newton

I am accused often of being visionary...DJ was asked last night by a visiting group of Bible school students at Camp Daniel, about his disability. He talked all about his legs and their problems. He never mentioned he was blind. He does not belive his blindness is his disability. In fact, Pastor John asked him if he would be able to see when he got to heaven, and he was unsure if he would be able to. Maybe, he thought, everyone would be blind like him! He sees through eyes that do not see, He sees things that are eternal. My own vision limits what I see, because what I see is not eternal. Tell me who is visionary???